My thoughts are really random...

          Some times you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
                                             ~Kathy Mattea

So many days I listen to friends and family that are venting their frustrations, exciting news or anger to me.  I've always been the go to person in my circle of family/friends.  It's so easy to give advice to others, and help them see a different perspective.  Lately, I'm finding that taking my own advice is becoming more difficult.  It's not to say that I don't....but there are times, the self-talk in my head, if spoken out loud would sound like World War 3!

Have you had that, yourself?  The constant battle of negative versus positive conversations that go on in your head?  It's that constant conversation with your inner self of you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for and the other side of the coin, you aren't worth near what you are claiming you are.  Those positive/negative thoughts...."you are doing great, learning so much and growing to be a better person everyday," versus "why do you keep trying when you know how it always turns out.  You are only one person and changing the world just isn't in your cards."

Maybe I'm the only one that has these constant conversations in my head.  However, these conversations have helped me to notice when they become unbalanced and one side or the other is becoming too dominate.

This brings me to a few realizations for myself as of late.  It's been a trying few weeks for me emotionally.  It started with applying for jobs in an industry that I was once in.  I'm learning, very quickly, that the skills that I was once very proud of and excelled in are no longer valid.  Being out of the job force for over 10 years has caused my training and knowledge to not only stagnate, but to become obsolete.  I'm also learning that even though I still have contacts in the industry, several good intentions lead to self-doubt.  I've also learned that updating training is essential but costly.  Also, life is a constant training and a hard knock lesson, but others believe that a Bachelor's is the true education.  In addition to everything else, it's a lesson in discouragement to listen to what others say when they are telling you exactly why you shouldn't even try.  After 38 job applications, I was offered 3 jobs.  All 3 jobs required some travel, offered excellent pay, but would have required some upfront training and understanding from my family.

I've also begun to understand that although I am the type of person who will help anyone possible, will be cordial to everyone-no matter how I feel about them, and always looks for the best in people...there are some, that will do everything within their power to drag me down and make me feel inferior just to make themselves feel better.  The hardest part of these realizations is that 9 times out of 10, they are family or friends.

I am well aware of my inadequacies and I do work hard to learn everything that is expected of me.  However, when these are brought up in every conversation, or pointed out at every possible point...you begin to just want to give up.  It makes you grow weary of trying new adventures, learning new skills, or attempting to be what you are expected to be.  It becomes more important to hear compliments, an encouraging word for your attempts, and even begins to put you in a place of seeking attention.

Although my spirit has been shaken, I continue to look for a job in the industry I once loved and I am still attempting to learn some of what is expected of me.  I am working on myself - to become the strong, independent, self-sufficient, and happy-go-lucky person I once was.  I will have my moments of defeat, moments of negativity but I will never be a doormat forever.  I am growing stronger everyday, and re-learning long-lost personality traits.

Wishing you all a great weekend.
~S~