"Quite often you find yourself having to make decisions about your life. You are metaphorically at a cross road in your life as often as daily. Many choices are made without much of a second thought. Other choices require some thought. Many times the hardest choices to make are the ones involving those you love, respect or admire."
Some choices are made for you, while others are made against your will. You don't realize how often choices are made or made for you. When you think of the cross road/choices, many people just think of the monumental choices they have to make. They don't realize that choices can be as simple as what to have for a meal, what clothes they will wear for the day, the thoughts they choose to listen to daily, and it extends on to the biggest choices in their lives. Anytime you have to decide on anything, you have a choice. Some choices don't have any significant consequences, while others are life changing.
As choices go, I've learned the toughest choices involve those that you love. You can love, respect and admire your loved ones while still holding strong negative opinions of them. We are each individuals with individual opinions and thoughts. While we typically don't all agree 100% on every subject matter, having respect and tolerance for others opinions is what allows us all to consider ourselves free people.
In my own experience, when you make large changes in your life and accept that who you have become is not who you were...others will either constantly degrade you and make you feel like the dirt under their feet or they will just stop talking to you. Even some of those who you are closest to, whether it be family or friends, they will either neglect to accept you or will find any excuse to treat you with disrespect.
Years ago, I had a dear friend that I spent the majority of my time with. As we got older, I found that the one person I trusted and admired, took someone else's word over mine and the friendship was over. There have been many times over the past several years, I have thought about this friend and wished we still spoke. In the same type of instance, when you have family members that constantly look down at you or treat you with disrespect, you learn to withdraw from them as well. As someone who has made some drastic life changes over the past 15 years, I can tell you, you learn who your friends are, and you learn the family that loves you no matter what. You also learn where you stand with people, whether they are friends or family.
Sometimes, there are some old mental wounds that have never healed, that cause you to change. Other times, it is out of desire that you change. Either way, there are learning curves and roller coasters to go through before you find your space. In my case, it has taken me years to find a space in this world that I can be comfortable and call my own. There have been ups and downs, there have been tears of joy and sadness, there have been a myriad of people I've had to walk away from and there are still more that I have had to accept as just acquaintances that I once considered friends. Many times I find myself looking through my past life and wonder how everything became so insane. I grew up in the years of still playing outside, getting paddled by my parents, television was typically only for Saturday morning cartoons, and it was still safe to ride your bikes through the subdivision to friends houses without the fear of abduction or getting run over. In our subdivision, all the neighbors watched out for all the kids....whether they were theirs or not. We had trouble makers and bullies, but we handled them. When we were getting bullied, we just pounded the bully and went on. It wasn't a deal of the bully having rights....a bully was the bad guy, there for they had no rights! Although none of us had a lot of money, or material possessions, we had everything. We had enough toys to keep us busy on rainy days, bicycles, friends, the "neighborhood parents", and REAL parents. Not the kind that gave their kids money to get them out of their hair, or the kind that just let their kids run wild. Kids then had respect for other people and other peoples property, and they had disciple.
Many times, I look at the kids and even some young adults, that you see and wonder how the hell they had any parental guidance in their lives. They truly make me cringe! Since the early 90's, many Moms have been forced into the work force because of the economic trials, and that leaves kids with who? Babysitters, day cares, or all alone. While I'm a firm believer in women having independence, and the education to support themselves, I can't help but wonder if the extreme it's been taken to, hasn't caused these problems. I'm not saying that women shouldn't be able to have rights or choices, but typically in my generation, the Mom's were home while the Dad's worked. There was always a parent present in kids lives and there weren't the troubles that we see in society today.
As I get older and since I have children of my own, I worry about the direction of the world. Not to mention, the friendships and family that my children are around. I am very fortunate to be able to be home with my kids everyday, but as much as I would love to shelter them from the pain, bad friendships, and negative family influence; I know that I can't. Some lessons are best learned through experience. Although I some influences I can protect them from due to distance, I can not protect myself from the same influence and hurt. I just have to do my best to not project my own emotions onto them. This is usually easier said than done!
As I am continually looking for my own space, I am finding that not only are some old wounds are still unhealed, I'm finding that some just grow deeper. Fortunately, I have a great husband who allows me to vent and tries to help me put it all into perspective. Since I have taken the life changing role into his world, I find that I really do enjoy the way we live...even if I do get restless on occasion. I wouldn't want my children growing up any other way. Life is slower, although still crazy, they know where their food comes from, they are educated by my husband and I, they have grandparents and great-grandparents that they spend a considerable amount of time learning from, they have pets and livestock to learn about, and they have 2 parents that give everything possible to make sure they have what they need and teach them how to be productive members of society and not just another name or number on a docket. I'm not saying that we are always right or even the best at anything. However, our kids are fully aware of how life has ups and downs, and they will know how to live in any situation.
As we venture into a new month, and since it's been kind of a nutty Summer, there have been many realizations. As I try to grasp some of them and reflect once again, I am amazed. I am reminded of a phrase I saw, and it's perfect!
"I am not who I want to be, but I'm better than I once was."
Finding your groove in this crazy thing we call life, isn't easy. Sometimes it takes us well outside our comfort zones, and can even through you into a downward spiral. It's each of our responsibilities to take the time to explore what we need. Take time to find your way and explore new avenues of living, not just surviving.
Wishing you well
~Sal~
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