Finding my place in this big, crazy world.

So, as much as I can usually pull myself out of a downed state of mind, this time seems to be more difficult. I'm not down, really, as in my state of mind really. It's more of a feeling of needing to make a mark in this crazy world and/or the need to find my true calling. Overall, I am very proud of the person I am becoming. While I am a strong and stubbornly independent person, I am also a caring, compassionate, empathetic, and selfless person. I would do just about anything for people I care about, even if it didn't fit in with own situations. I know who I am, and definitely know who I am not. I am not overly emotional(usually), I can be hard headed/stubborn/strong willed(whatever you want to call it), I can be as cold as ice, I can turn off emotions only to have them come back at the most inopportune times. I tend to withdraw from people and life when I have too much on my mind. I always have way too much going on in my mind, at any given point, to ever truly relax. I am an overly protective Mom, and dote on my kids. I have a very out-of-the-box way of thinking, that many who have known me do not understand. I am sometimes too opinionated, too judgmental, too willing to give too many chances to people that do not deserve even a single chance, and too sympathetic. However, I am who I am. No matter how good, bad, ugly....I can not be someone that I am not, no matter how much grief it causes me.

This morning, I am going to attempt to put my thoughts into words. The last few years, I have struggled to find my "place" in this great big world. I'm not necessarily talking about geographically, but more so towards a passion that I am not only good at, but one that brings me peace-of-mind. I have tried so many different areas that sparked an interest in my brain, and there have only been a handful that have kept my interest. I believe that everyone has a passion that will give them that peace-of-mind, and provide them happiness. However, I also believe that once you find your "calling," so-to-speak, you see life in a different perspective. I have tried to learn, and help others to see the benefit of a natural life...learning how to care for my family in a natural way without all the chemicals, medications, and junk of the world today. While I whole-heartedly believe that everything we need to be healthy has been provided to us through our creator, and nature. I can only do so much to have people actually HEAR what I can tell them. I can not make them listen or follow my own lead. I am a walking workshop on home schooling, gardening, canning, and budgeting. I have made baked goods, for years. I love to cook and try new recipes, but even though it usually brings me happiness, it doesn't last. I love my photography sessions. I love to take photos and show the world through my eyes. I rarely have time to do that anymore though. My photography, aside from my family, is mostly nature. It's nature that I can always find beauty, peace-of-mind, and a peaceful soul. Working with wood, and building furniture, has shown me once again that I can find peace-of-mind.

I am really needing to find my place. This need started surfacing about 5 years ago, and has increasingly gotten strong through the years. Now, it's rearing it's ugly head, and I can not side step it anymore. While there are so many different areas that I have knowledge in, areas that I do pretty good in, there is a nagging gut feeling that I am not being/doing all that I can. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am typically an active person. I do so much in a days time that many have asked me how I can get it all in just a single day. The days that this nagging feeling hits me the hardest....I do not get a single thing done. I draw into myself, so to speak. I withdraw from the world, my family, everything! I become an inverted bundle of nerves, self-loathing person. I hate that I can't pinpoint my own attributes. I hate that, even as an adult/parent, that I still revert to shutting off my emotions to protect myself from any pain, hurt or unwanted feeling.

I have decided that the depression/sadness, whatever this is, that I have dealt with since last October; is a multifaceted issue. I know that some of this was brought on as a result of menopause. However, some of this has been an issue for many years...and has now become an issue I can't avoid any longer. I need to find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing me for so long. While some of this has not been a constant thought/need, some of them have and as time has drug on, it is becoming more constant all time time.

I know that the last 3 years have been kind of crazy in our lives, and maybe we'll be able to slow things up when we finish with our remodeling projects, but that isn't helping me right now. I went back to working, part-time, to see if that would ease some of the unsettling feelings I have had. It has eased them some, but it has also taken more time out of my week and caused a lot of tension the first couple of weeks at home. While I love what I am doing, and I have have always done good at it, I believe I could be so much more. The people are nice, the owners are nice, but the constant drama and politics are pathetic. There are days that I feel like I am dealing with a bunch of high school kids! I love having the little bit of extra cash in my hands, and knowing that the money I am making is going for groceries, and extras that won't have to come out of our regular budget. Is the money worth the time that I am taking away from home, the tension at home, or the time I have to take away from our remodeling projects? I honestly don't know. For bar tending/waitressing, I make a good wage and good tips considering I work less than 20 hours each week.

I am not an overly social person anymore. I love to go out dancing and watch people, but the more I try to get the chance to do that, and it doesn't happen, the more frustrated I get. I love the nights when my husband and I go out, but I also loved and enjoyed the one "girls night out," that I had in November. That night, I didn't have to worry about trying to pull my non-bar going husband out of his shell, I didn't have to try to split my time or my friends time between dancing and our husbands...it was just us dancing, every dang dance, until our legs hurt! We didn't drink anything more than water, but overall we had a blast. It was the first time I had gone out with anyone other than my husband, in more than 10 years. I really want to do this again soon, and it's my turn to drive. Dancing is one thing that always draws relaxation out of me. It always has, even when I was young. It always eased my mind, gave me a fun way to exercise, and gave me a little peace. Even though it's such a physical activity, it has always allowed me an outlet to release my tension. Many people don't understand this. All they can see is that I would go to a bar. Well, unfortunately, there really aren't too many places to go dancing besides a bar!

I have no idea what I need to do, or how to go about finding what my "thing" is but I know I have to. I have to find a passion that drives me to learn, while still providing stress-relief, and peace-of-mind. Finding that passion, that one or two things that will give me a solid state of mind, and still drive/fuel my soul, will obviously not be easy. I already battle to find time for just me anyway. If I'm not being Mom, wife, or working, I am working on the remodeling projects, juggling the budget, trying to finish my schooling, getting the kids through their schooling or trying to keep my business running. I constantly feel like I am juggling 4 different roles of myself. Even though there never seems to be time to just be me. Just have my own time to reflect, time to explore my fascinations, time to not have any demands of attention or time to just BE.

I feel like all I ever do is juggle one issue after another, most of them are thrown at me all at once. While I am a master at multitasking, managing every ounce of time that isn't spent sleeping, and appear to smile through it all...for just a short period time, I would love to just stop. Stop worrying, stop juggling, stop feeling over scheduled, stop feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride that won't stop. I would love to find that someone thought about me for once. Thought about what might make my life just a little bit easier to handle. I would love for others to think, care and be concerned about me, the way I am with so many others. I would love, just once, for someone to say, "you know, I know you love...(insert a hot bubble bath, a night out with your friends, an uninterrupted conversation, more time with your parents/siblings, etc.) and then to tell me, " let me handle that, arrange that, take care of that, take the kids for a night/weekend so you can do...,! Then not have to hear guilt trips, excuses why it couldn't happen, or not have to worry about the financial end of it(if there is one), or not have to hear excuses, period. I know everyone has busy lives, we are no exception, but at what point does all this busy business really matter? We are busy running our over scheduled kids from one event to another, busy working a job that you are undervalued, over worked and under paid, mistreated by those we love the most, and even though we work our tails off to provide, we are still struggling and juggling just to keep the ends close to meeting? When do we learn to live with less material stuff so that we can live with closer relationships, and less stuff? When is enough, enough?

I am getting really exhausted juggling everything. I am tired of struggling through my issues the best I can, and it's appearing that I am not managing them at all. I find a solid footing, only to have another issue/problem thrown at me and I lose my footing again. I have always been told that hitting rock bottom is a solid foundation to start and rebuild from. Well, when your solid foundation is continually yanked from under you, and the very foundation you thought was solid begins to crumble, you begin to question yourself, and having doubts about your ability to handle everything. This is where I am.

I don't want to be famous, or even known outside of my family circle, but knowing that I am important to those I love and care for, is important. Knowing I am so many miles from my extended family and most of my closest friends, doesn't mean you aren't part of my daily thoughts. I have changed so much through the last 20 years. I am not the person I was when I graduated high school, got married, had my oldest, heck, I am not even the same person I was a year ago at this time. I know that many of my friends and family believe I am too different from the way I was growing up, and honestly, I am a completely different person. However, as I have said so many times before, I am so much more. Those I have considered my closest friends through the years...are still that way, even if the feeling isn't reciprocated. I do not trust easy, so those who have had my trust only account for about a handful of people. The walls I built around me years ago, have remained intact, and have driven several people away. Some I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with, some I have not. Some family members have even informed me that even though I am biologically related, I am not part of the family because I live so far away and am not near them enough to have an opinion/thought about anything relating to the family. Guess what, crap like that is why I have impenetrable walls around me to start with! It's difficult to love and care for people who are more than happy to throw you under the bus, until they think you have something to offer them, but unfortunately, I do to some extent. Too many people have used my loyalty to their advantage, and hurt me enough, that I am feeling myself withdrawing even more. The problem, as I know from past experience, is that once I start withdrawing, I will withdraw from everyone - family and friends.

I have always been a person that has more of a gypsy soul. I have been able to move and resettle, or adjust to most any situation I have ever been faced with. Sometimes, I dealt with them better than others, but I have always been flexible. That is why I was able to pack a few belongings in a little Dodge Omni, and relocate my life to Missouri, without more than a dream, goal and leap of faith. That is why, when I married a man with a completely different upbringing, and moved to a place that was so alien to me...I was able to learn. Even with all the issues we faced, I learned and was able to grow into the life I now live. I was able to work through my own ignorance of this life and learn to live and appreciate this life. While I continue to learn more about this life, and I continue to grow too. My soul is still somewhat gypsy like, in regards to being so curious about everything, never thinking inside the proverbial box, and I continually see life from an opposite view point than most...it gets kinda frustrating. Am I the only one that has this gypsy soul? Am I the only one, that at nearly 40 years old is still craving something more from myself? Am I the only one that has a crippling fear of the unknown yet an insatiable need for it too? Am I the only one that would do anything for my family yet doesn't feel the same could be said if they were talking about me? Am I the only one that feels this way? Surely not. At least I hope not!

Curious.....
Salli