I've done more personal writing lately, than anything really useful. I have been learning more about myself though. I'm listening to my soul as it has screamed for attention for so long, and neglected to get it. I have a big fault when it comes to being loyal, and being a friend. I am a sensitive person, an empath if you will. When I have too many emotions, or personalities coming at me, it overwhelms me. My moods change with the people I am around. So, I am having to learn to deal with that and how to not really harden against the overpowering emotions, but yet harden enough to make those other moods not effect me as much. Being a more sensitive person, I can pick up on the vibes or auras of others as well. This does get overwhelming at times too.
When I am around many people, and all their moods, it exhausts me. It doesn't matter if the moods are all joyful, or all sad; they overwhelm me. I'm having to learn to extricate all the other emotions and focus solely on my own. This is a challenge when I am surrounded by 3 other people all the time, and even just going shopping; it feels like an ambush. It's kind of strange to me, but it is what it is, and I am just now figuring out several issues I have faced since I was a child.
I am also finding that some of my closest friends are my saving grace. When life tends to overwhelm me, I will get a phone call, text message or email from several of them. Without saying a word to anyone, they just know when I am needing their friendship! There seems to be 4 of them that are just close enough that they know without me saying anything. I have also figured out that some friends, while they can be close, they are life suckers. Most of us know these types of people, they are the ones who always have a new issue that is uprooting their their lives, their issues are always ten times worse than yours, or they create their own issues and refuse to accept the outcome while blaming someone else. It's those types of friends, that you are around when you want to be around a friend, but they are the only ones available. It's this type of friend that can never be considered a best friend because they bring you down with every phone call call, text message or visit. Then you throw in family, and sometimes they are good for the soul, and other times they drag you through the dirt, and make you feel worthless, helpless and useless. You obviously can't disown family, but you can definitely limit your interactions with them.
I have definitely been in what I call a funk, for about 2 years. I am not ashamed to say that while life has continued, it has been a harsh reality to me, to learn that all the positive thoughts in the world could not have prevented this. I have always been the responsible yet rebellious person that I still am today. As a teen, I was rebellious in sneaking around to see guys my parents didn't like, and my senior year of high school - I began experimenting with alcohol. However, I NEVER did any type of drug, and for that I can say I am proud! I always have taken my responsibility seriously. To some degree, I have taken responsibility too serious. It has become my way of life. I don't take risks, I use caution in everything I do, I stress over my responsibilities to a fault and have let my hobbies, and the things I have enjoyed in the past, slip by me. My responsibilities in my life, rule my life and leave no room for fun or spontaneity. I am not good at surprises, I hate to be afraid, I don't like horror movies, I am terrified of heights, and anything that doesn't have a guaranteed outcome...is probably not going to happen!
I decided yesterday to see if my husband and I were on the same page with some questions that I got from a Psychologist friend. There were 20 questions that were really all over the map in subject, but touched on so many areas that I thought to be important in any relationship. While it was not really a surprise that we were basically on the same page and had the same thoughts; it was an eye opener that our communication styles were really different. Most of the answers we had, were the same but dictated differently. Even though many of the answers were the same, the ones that were different, weren't really all that different. I did learn that communication comes across as an important trait, but even with communication, you have to be willing to talk about differences of opinions because many times; you are both saying the same thing, just in a different way.
I know he has to be ready for this self-finding stage of mine to be over, since he really catches the brunt of my frustrations. I wish I could just flip a switch and be done with all of, but it's not working that way. It's like the universe has said, "you have silenced your soul for too long, and now, you are going to face this and deal with this!" Through all the different issues I have faced in my life, never once I have quit. I may not have always taken the easy path, or even a path of less resistance, but until I moved to Missouri...I had always stayed true to the person I was at the time. While I spent 2 years in Missouri, finding myself and sowing my wild oats; I really never intended to stay here. I needed to be away from everyone who had known me so I could find my own way. I knew when I met my husband that his friendship would be invaluable. I never would have dreamed that it would lead to the here and now; almost 16 years later. With so many outside influences, extended family issues, kids, medical issues, and a host of other issues; it's a wonder we still talk to each other let alone have remained married. The past 6 1/2 years, I have been thrown off balance. Being surprised by finding out I was pregnant at almost 5 months along, having a second child that wasn't supposed to be possible, throw in battling a school district and beginning homeschooling, a very spirited 2nd child, an almost too laid back older child, never having any time to be a wife, let alone finding any time alone; and I have lost my path.
For someone who is sensitive/empathetic, having alone time is essential. Having time when there are no other noises, and you can just "be," is when they can basically recharge their emotional abilities. I never really understood, growing up, why I could be with friends but enjoyed my solitude just as much. I never understood why large crowds overwhelmed me, or how I could love to be at any of my jobs, but I could be in my home and sit in total silence. I'm learning now though. It's those times of solitude, my times in nature; that refueled me. It was my creative brain that would concoct the most amazing flower arrangements, write the most heart felt poems, draw some of the most amazing home plans, and during my most stressful times of hiking to burn off that stress - that I found a new path to blaze. My constant need to learn, grow, experience, create, and feel - was what shoved me towards moving to Missouri. You see, for me, even though I may feel everyone's emotions coming at me, rarely do I feel my own emotions. I have kept those under lock and key since my freshman year of high school. After reading through my journals, I have found that my own emotions have surfaced throughout different times in my life, and that's when I have become completely overwhelmed and until being married, had caused me to run from life as fast as possible. My own emotions scare the crap out of me. I learned to turn them off years ago, but the older I get, the more difficult it's becoming to keep them turned off. Keeping my own emotions in check, it's what has driven the walls around me higher, and thicker than anyone could understand. My love of music has allowed me to kind of come out of my shell some. I love to sing and dance along to songs I know. If I have music going, and I have the freedom to sing and dance to it, I can usually deal with whatever is thrown at me. All the candles I burn, are the same way. The glow and scent of candles, relax me. Sometimes, I think I could easily live an Amish lifestyle, at least without electricity. Candle light, for me, is relaxing and romantic. It helps us to slow down, and only see a fraction of the insanity around us. I love the peace that candle light brings.
As I have said, many times before, I have a major love/hate relationship with technology. I love being able to write in my blogs, share pictures/information with friends and family through social networking, but it has overrun society. So many people can't carry on a conversation anymore without cell phones going off, text messaging, or some sort of computer. I don't know too many that could still even make change without a cash register to show them the difference. It's sad. Even though I will catch grief for, dating isn't even except from the technology. I don't understand how few actual interactions people have with each other, can actually be good. Between the technology and society's need for all the materialistic crap, I just cringe. People have forgotten how to be loyal, honest, hard working, and most of all debt free. I have heard so many comments that being debt free isn't realistic. In my eyes, being debt free is not only realistic but the only responsible way to be. We aren't there yet, but we will be. We are working towards it, and not too far from it. We were foolish enough to buy into the capitalism way of life from the beginning, and are now trying to get out of it. The crap of keeping up with the neighbors, or getting something because someone else has it, is not the way to live. I personally, don't want a huge, expensive house. I don't live a life to be showcased. I want a home that allows love and warmth to permeates it's walls and extends to anyone that visits. I want a home that we can actually live in, use, and doesn't take hiring a maid to maintain. I don't care that our vehicles are 13 and 25 years old. The work, we maintain them, and as of this year will both be paid off. I can't justify spending more on a vehicle than we have on our home. I have never been afraid of uprooting my life, to go someplace that allows for a better standard of living or allows for better relationships without constant issues.
I have very high standards for myself and unfortunately I hold other people to high standards too. This causes many issues since not everyone believes as I do. I believe that true friendships are the ones that you don't have to talk everyday to have, you never have to worry about a true friend talking behind your back and they will defend you to anyone that does. Once I consider someone a friend, the conversations we have are kept quiet. I do not gossip, or deal with rumors. I am very cautious around people that I don't know well, and tend to come off as cold or heartless. I don't trust easy, so many people may be around but very few will ever see the real me. Even my writing is filtered in my blogs to maintain not only confidences but also because I don't know everyone, individually that reads it. Some topics are very general, some are more personal but the most personal areas to me will never be found here. There are so many things that are said and happen in our home, that no one will ever know about. Aside from those that live here, there is no one that knows everything that goes on, no matter what anyone would like to believe. We keep most of our life private, even from extended family. The less interference we have, the better off we are.
My blogs, my writing and the few articles that I have written are an outlet for me. These are my stress relievers, my way of trying to help someone else that may be dealing with things and feeling they are alone. My writing provides me a "safe from emotion," means of being involved in a world that overwhelms me. It gives me a few minutes, whenever I write, to escape the constant whirlwind in my head.
The world around me crazy, everyone is busy being busy, everyone is working to pay for things they don't need instead of making time for the people they do. So many are working multiple jobs to pay for a home they are never at, a vehicle that they have to have to go to their job, to pay for their kids to be over scheduled in activities so they can fit in, to pay for name brand clothes or shoes that will also help their kids to fit in, to pay for a life that is less about living and more about just existing. Unfortunately, we have fallen into this role off and on during our marriage and I like it less and less. Hearing so many make comments like, "it must be nice not to have to work," tends to throw me into defensive mode immediately. Yes, it's nice. It would allow us to pay everything off so much fast if we had a second full-time income, but that second income wouldn't amount to much when you figure in all the extra expenses. When you figure in the cost of daycare/babysitters, fuel, vehicle maintenance, extra lunches, extra clothes, and travel times. For me, when you figure in all the expenses, I would be having to make $25 per hour to actually make anything. Otherwise, I would jut be working to pay to work. Senseless! So, yes, it's nice to be home with my kids everyday, but it takes using responsibility to be able to try to make ends meet. It takes determination not to feel like climbing the walls everyday when you are home and just want to go shopping or take off for a weekend excursion...it's not easy, even if nice. It means planning meals so you can just make a single trip to the store every month, it means planning cheap or free mini-vacations, it means not eating out except maybe once a month. It means going to garage sales to buy everyday clothes because name brand clothes don't matter! It means figuring out the price per ounce on food packaging to see if buying bulk really is cheaper. It means that the last week before your grocery trip is meals that are either left overs or throw together meals consisting of whatever may be left in the pantry/freezer and refrigerator. It means that any kind of trip means saving for months for, and any unexpected expense can be a huge issue. It means having to readjust your emotions to allow for weeks on end of not leaving your property, but having to remember how to interact with people when you do. It means most conversation is between you, your kids, and your animals...then remembering when you do interact with people not to talk to them like you would your kids or animals! It means developing thick skin for all the snide remarks, and comments that will be thrown at you about how weird you are, or all the comments that make you feel like less of a person for the choices you have made to be responsible, or the remarks that constantly degrade you for your choices. You have to learn that society, as a whole, has become a society of judgmental hypocrites and everyone seems to know what's best for you and your family...even when they only know a fraction of what they are talking about. It means being able to stay true to beliefs and values, even when faced with the crap I just mentioned. Just being a stay-at-home mom, home schooling mom, nature lover, spiritual but not religious person, isn't bad and to some degree is my happiness. However, when you are detoured by the degrading comments, the snide remarks become unbearable, the misinformed comments that do their best to belittle you, the snide/rude/ignorant(as in unknowing) remarks that make you want to yell at the top of your lungs come in; you have to look to the deep South for proper/classy ways to say "piss off!" You will have times when that thick skin will break and a comment or remark will make you doubt your decisions. It's times like that, that you have to be willing to use a little class, use a little tact; and offer a "thank you for your concern, and I will take of it," answer. Sometimes, holding your tongue becomes a task within itself, and you want to throw those that interfere out of your life, and burn the bridge they crossed on. When you choose a path that is so separate from what the current normal is, you will be ambushed with negativity. You will be overrun with well-intentioned but unwanted advice. You either have to be strong enough to stand up to the person and ask them politely to butt-out or learn to bite your tongue...a LOT!
When we made the decision that I would be a stay-at-home mom, I never would have believe the barrage of stupidity that would come along with it. I never would have believed how many negative opinions would have come through. Then being forced into paying an out of district school fee or home schooling after a bully was physically hurting our oldest child, I couldn't believe the backlash from that! Then to find out you have the healthiest looking children but that you had inadvertently passed your horrible allergies onto them, and having to learn holistic healthcare to be able to best care for your children...OMG! That was a tsunami of grief we still deal with! Believe me when I say, the life I lead, is NOT the life I planned for myself. Not even close! Having to watch everything the kids eat, or dealing with the backlash when they eat something that clashes with their allergies. Being at home full-time without any outlet for my own energies, creative thoughts, or passions; being not only Mom to my kids but also teaching them. Living in the middle of nowhere, with none of my longtime friends or even family of my own, has been a huge undertaking. Being made to feel that you are an outsider, or told, with no chance of ever belonging, has been yet another difficulty. My life, as I planned it, was faster, more professional, living near an ocean not in the middle of a corn field. I have grown to love my farm life. I love having the little bit of livestock we have, and I love having my gardens. When I begin to get overwhelmed though, I dream of what I could have accomplished, where I could have traveled to, the career that I chose to let go of, and freedom of no commitments. The only responsibilities I had planned on were to myself. Yep, I was pretty selfish and self-centered. I didn't have to worry about anyone else. Now, my plate seems to be heaping with worry and it's not for myself but for my family. I do everything I can to keep them healthy, happy, responsible, and productive members of society. I push them to be so much better, because I see so much potential in each of them. I have let go of many of my own dreams but there are very few that I actually regret letting go of. I have developed new dreams, new interests and readjusted my goals to fit the life I have now.
As I am finding my way, and the fog has gotten thinner, I am finding that even though I am not the person I was years ago...I am finding that I am just a more mature version, who has allowed herself to be jaded by life and outside opinion. I will grow from this transitional period, and will grow into the person I was meant to become. The path may get bumpy, even not be visible for spurts, but I am not a quitter and I love a good challenge! :)
It's time to start putting a positive spin on this crazy life, without ignoring the areas that need to be worked on. If just one person reads this, and doesn't feel alone, then I can know I have done something to help. Have a breath taking day!
~Salli~
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