Stepping off the ledge..NO, not literally! :)

I'm stepping off a ledge of fear, doubt, discontentment, unease and misery.

Just as a baby or toddler goes through learning phases and becomes more difficult for a period of time, adults go through similar learning phases too. We expect babies and toddlers to go through these phases as they grow, so that they can learn. Adults have gotten the misconstrued idea that we just learn and don't have to deal with these phases anymore. That is just not true.

As I have gone through my own life, I recognize many phases that I went through, and refuse to believe that I have been the only to experience them. We make transitional phases throughout our growing years, obviously, but we don't pay attention. As adults, we begin different types of transitional phases at 18. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves, and be responsible for ourselves. Then we get to that all glorious stage of being 21 and having to redefine and relearn ourselves again. Some throw in the learning stages of marriage and children. Some focus solely on their careers. Either direction requires learning different responsibilities. As a woman, for me anyway, we hit all the milestones(age in numbers) with new expectations for ourselves, and learning new things about ourselves. For some, the milestone could be 30, 40, or 50 years.

For me, when I turned 30, I thought my world was coming to an end! I know, I know...I was still young. I think I cried the entire year. I always believed by the time I got to 30 years old, I should have my life together. I was expecting the white picket fence, 2.5 children, a great career and a perfect marriage. Obviously, the path I expected and the one laid before me were completely different! I got past that without too much emotional turmoil. My 30's took some massive right turns, had me floundering to find my way and just before my 38th birthday; had me struggling to just get through each day.

For 2 years now, I have struggled, floundered, lost my way, and seen just how dark a world can be without direction. I had seriously lost my way, and found a dark tunnel that I could never seem to find my way out of. I struggled to get through each day. I was not happy with anything. I began smoking more, not exercising at all, and withdrawing from anything that was outside of my home. I had a close friend that I felt betrayed by, family that I couldn't see often enough, best friends that lived too far away to be near, and that began my spiral. While all those negative emotions were tough, then the universe thought it a good idea to throw me into Menopause too. So feeling lost, then became so much more. My hormones went into stupid mode, my dark moods threw my body into multiple illnesses, I pulled away even further from friends and family, and even pulled into a shell in my own family. All along, I have still attempted to keep up with my kids school work, housework and farm life, and going back to school myself.

The past 2 years have been especially dark for me. I have talked with many people through the years, and never did I grasp the despair, loneliness, frustration at myself, or the feeling of uselessness that one person could feel. I have listened to so many when they have had issues going on in their lives, and tried to give them something positive to focus on. Yet, the 2 darkest years of my life, had so few people to talk to about my own issues. Never would I have guessed that life would become so stupid busy that people couldn't just stop a bit to actually talk. Never would I have guessed that my own black hole, would be so dark and negative with all the positivity I usually carry within myself. Never would I have guessed that my own confidence, empowerment and optimism would just disintegrate into oblivion! Guess what?! It did, and in a BIG way! All the positivity I held, flew out the window. Whenever I have heard that my issues are very dim compared to the issues of someone else...it makes me want to literally smack someone! I know someone fighting for their life is in bad shape, but my issues meant the same to me. Telling someone their issues are minimal compared to someone else, is just pathetic. Everyone has their own issues, and to them it feels like their world is crumbling at their feet.

I'm not completely out of that black hole, but I can see daylight now. I can get out of bed each day without the dread of dealing with another day and crying throughout that day. I can get up each morning feeling that I can not only face the day, but look forward to making the best of each day. Frustrations still get the better of me, occasionally. I just had one of those days yesterday. The tears roll, the frustration takes on a life of it's own, and the headaches set in, literally. I'm one of those people that when an issue is presented to me, I analyze it, look for logical paths and then I want action to solve it. I don't want to stew over something for weeks on end, but I want something done...NOW! Patience is not a gift I was blessed with, I don't have any! Once I decide on a course of action, I want it done. I don't want excuses why it can't be done. I don't want 15 people telling me that there is a better way. For me, when I make a move, or action...it's already been thought about...a LOT and I am making the move or action, in a way that is best for me. Telling me it can't be done that way, or shouldn't be done that way; is like pouring salt on an open wound, and not real smart. I have always been a decisive person. Once a decision is made, it gets done. If something ticks me off, it gets eliminated from my life. If people cause too many headaches for me, I won't be around them.

Unfortunately, for 2 years I have forgotten my ability to say, "hey, this is my life. It may not meet your standards, but it's not your life...it's mine!" I listened to all the nay sayers, I listened to all the negativity, I listened and took to heart all the barbs and ignorant remarks that had been thrown at me. I let people that, although I cared about, make me feel like less of a person and let them make me feel that I wasn't smart enough to make the best choices. I decided to live a life that was far from the "normal," but one that best suited what we needed. I chose a path that had been proven through centuries, instead of decades. I chose to educate my children in a way that I knew they would be safe, and get an honest, real life education. I have chosen to live a life that focuses on morals, values and integrity; instead of lies, deceit, back stabbing, and materialism. While some of the B.S. has filtered into our lives through outside influence, the majority of it is kept at bay.

It's my time to get back to climbing out of this dark, deep hole. I am working everyday to find the light I am finally seeing. Even with a few monkey wrenches thrown in, I know I can do this. I know I am going through these trials to build my strength, character, and mental ability. I know, without a doubt, I am a strong person. I know I am making a life that will better myself, and my family. I know that I am becoming the person I am meant to become. As a quote I found this morning says, "You may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit!"

There is so much I have learned about myself in the last 2 years, that I know it's not been in vain, but it definitely has made life very difficult. It has caused me to face some past demons, it has opened doors to information that I never thought possible, and it has shown me how true friendship can be...even if it's just a few. The 3 people that I have talked with, shared any intimate details of my life; they didn't judge me. They didn't tell me I was being ridiculous or pathetic. They were honest with me. They didn't jump to try to make things better by their standards, they listened. They shared their opinions, and thoughts, or when I just needed a cry or a shoulder...they were right there. Even if it was a phone call, text message or email. For that, I am forever in their debt!

I have learned that so many people think they know best when it comes to other lives, but honestly, what works for one person may not work or be best for another. People today, are quick to judge and quick to criticize. I really feel if everyone focused on their own lives, our world wouldn't have the issues it does. We may not always agree with choices others make or their life styles, but in my opinion, it's no one's business but their own. Until it affects my or my family's safety or livelihood, it not my place to judge anyone else. What may look like a mistake or poor choice from my stand point, may be just what someone else needs. Just as I hate when someone else judges my life, I will not do that to someone else. I guess it falls back to the one thing NOT taught for many years, "Treat others the way in which you wish to be treated."

Each of us chose a path for ourselves. Rarely do find someone else on the same path, at the same point in their lives. I believe we control our own destinies, so that allows us to control the paths we take. So many times, we go down paths that are wrong for us, because we are afraid to break the mold. We are afraid to step out of the "normal," and fear what others will think. That seems to lead to "everyone else is doing this, so it must be the only way." That is just so unfortunate to me. If you are on a path that doesn't feel completely empowering to you, more than likely, it's the wrong path for you. For me, I chose the path in my life that felt right, that fit what I needed, that fit what my family needed, and that was not direct or normal, but served me to the fullest. I chose to focus on being spiritual, not religious. I chose to educate myself to holistic health after nearly loosing my youngest child to modern medicine. I chose to educate my children at home, for their safety and unbiased real education. I chose to focus my life around my Native American Heritage. I have chosen to teach my kids the value of family, honesty, hard work, and a love of learning. I have chosen to explore my love of learning and knowledge through going back to school, taking photos, building furniture, landscaping, gardening, and cooking. However, I have lost some "things" along the way. I have all but quit dancing, I let go of a career that I loved - but that may have had a purpose, I quit doing regular exercise, I quit making time for friends but that is changing, I allowed other people's emotions filter into my own and bring me further down - but I am working on that too, I lost sight of enjoying the little things that make each day so bright - I am working on this too! Some of the things I enjoyed, I am working to get back. Other areas of that list, I am letting go of.

Many of my deepest thoughts, and realizations seem to come out when I write. I have read through some of my blogs and thought, "wow, I can't believe this information has been right under my nose." Most of the time, when I write, it is written in how I feel at the moment. I don't stop the thoughts, I just write what is going on in my heart or mind. I guess that keeps these real. I know I am going to have bad days, as does everyone, but mine are actually getting a break now; instead of being tied together. This transitional phase has been eye opening, at the very least. It has brought so much to light, and so many issues to the forefront. Yes, it's been dark, scary, lonely, depressing, and overwhelming...but it's also shown me the people I can depend on, and the truth about others. It's shown me that words are nothing but letters thrown together. It's shown me that actions, above all else will prove everything. It's shown me that those I held in the highest regard, didn't deserve to be there; while some that I didn't put in the same category more than proved they deserved to be there. It's shown me that even well meaning advice, from those we hold as friends and sometimes even family, is usually best left quiet. It's proven to me that even though I have chosen a path that is different from the "norm," I am on the right and best path for me.

Those random moments when you share thoughts with someone, and their thoughts are almost identical to your own...you know you have found a friend, confidant and in my case...husband. Even though we may hit heads, we may talk and argue only to find out we were saying the same thing...just differently, we may have days we really just frustrate each other; he has been right beside the entire time I have dealt with this black hole. Never trying to fix anything, just letting me talk or cry, just listening with an occasional thought but never judging me. Never saying yes I'm here, and then not being there when I did need him. I get frustrated that we don't get much time together, and usually take that frustration out on him. I get frustrated when I see other women talking about how romantic their husbands are or seeing their husbands put loving or sometimes funny remarks on their social media posts. You know, I know my knight in shining armor is really a farm boy in tin foil, and I love him for it. He has given me so many precious gifts that I can never count them. Aside from being my best friend, he gave me 2 precious children, a life style (although I didn't realize at the time) was exactly what I wanted, a strong, dependable, hardworking, sometimes grouchy and a pain in the butt, but always a loving home, quick wit and a ready smile. We may clash on some things, but I would be lost without him!

I'm taking this dark hole by storm. It's time to cinch up these boot straps and remember the fire, determination that has always lived in me. It's time to face the obstacles that lay ahead with a conscience mind, and the knowledge that my "partner in crime(i.e.husband) is going to have back when the going gets tough. It's time to remember the very values that I preach, and remind myself that unless you live under my roof...I will be gracious enough to visit, but those opinions are theirs to keep. Unless I ask for opinions or advice...I don't want it!

Pulling up my boot straps...
~Sal~