"let it go"

I keep singing that beautiful but some what addicting song as I think about this blog! It's such a remarkable phrase. How many of us have issues in our lives, that we need to just "let it go?"

As an empathetic person, who is highly sensitive, it's difficult for me to just let things go. I can usually sense when there are issues on the horizon, I tend to take in other people's feelings without even wanting to, and even though I know I should not take everything personally...I do. It's who I am, and I have been learning to deal with it. I have opportunities now, to release those emotions/feelings without letting them overwhelm me too much. I may spend a day or two working through whatever I am feeling, but then I can stiffen my back, and "let it go!" Usually!

I have had 2 long years of reinventing myself or re-finding myself....however you want to look at it. I have had a few great people coaching me, letting me cry on their shoulders, and just voice anger or upsets. I have reached a phase in my life that I can only describe as a massive learning curve with a lot blunt realizations.

So here is a short list of my realizations: I married my husband at 25, had my oldest child at 26, had cancer at 27 and was told I would not be able to have any more children, had multiple miscarriages from 19-30 years old, started going through an early menopause(symptoms) at 28, got the surprise of my life with my youngest child at 34, and entered into this crazy two year "mid-life crisis" as some call it at 38. During all of this, there have been so many moments of happiness, loss, unexplained sadness, loss of friendships, finding out who true friends were, learning that love has many areas/people/things that need to be considered. I've found moments that shattered everything I thought I knew, moments that confirmed my beliefs, moments that strengthened relationships, and moments that have weakened relationships. I found that my gypsy soul has so many areas of interest, so much to give if given the opportunity, and so much passion that has been hidden. So much of who I am has been tampered with to try to fit into what everyone else believes I should, and so much of who I am is captured behind walls that have gone so high, and are so thick; they are almost unbreakable. I have learned that letting those walls down, ends up overloading my senses with feelings/emotions that were not dealt with when they should have been, and even current issues that I have no control over. I have learned that who I am today for the most part, is not who I want to be, need to be; not even close! I have also learned that I have no idea how to get from who I am to who I want to be. Point A to Point B is looking pretty winding and bumpy! I have learned that no matter what you do or do not do, someone is going to fault you, use you, gossip about you, ridicule you, and leave you feeling worthless. I've learned that while some people are always there and loyal to no end, others are only there when they feel it's convenient for them. I've learned that you can love not only people but also things and ideas; but so much of what is considered love to one isn't to another. I've learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and just because someone claims to be there for you...when you need them most, they aren't. I've learned that you can love someone with every ounce of your being even if you don't always agree. I have also learned that love is something that requires work, dedication and action is needed to keep it from getting stale. I've learned that I love being a full-time Mom even when the days get rocky, I know I am making a difference for my kids. I love being married to a man who is a jack of all traits, and who proves to me over and over he will be there through thick and thin. I love living in such a rural environment with the animals, land and nature all around me. However, I don't love feeling stuck. I don't like knowing that with all the chores here, I am tied down without a break to take off for a few days of relaxing. I don't like being so far from my own family that I am considered blood relative, but not included in their lives or even considered family unless there is a wedding or funeral. I don't like being shut out of events going on with my extended family. I don't like constantly feeling like an outsider with my extended family, or my husbands.

Yes, this is the short list of what I have been dealing with for 2 years now. There are days it's overwhelming, and all-consuming. There are days I just throw my hands up and say "ENOUGH!" Then there are days like today, when I am feeling strong enough to walk around singing, "Let it go!" I have always been the responsible one, that was there for everyone when they needed me, that spent more than my share of time playing mediator, that has spent more than my share of time walking on eggshells with different people and subjects, and I have spent WAY too much time pushing aside what I want and what matters to me. I have spent too much time consumed by issues affecting those I care about, and not enough time on me - what I want, what I need, and issues that bothered me have never been given any credit. I am told to not worry about it, not to let them bother me, let it roll of my back. You know, that may be how others deal with things, but I am too caring and considerate to do that. If I have learned one important lesson through all of this chaos; it's that no matter who I am around, or what issues I have to face, there is nothing more important than taking care of myself first. If I am not 100%, I can not give 100% to my husband, my kids or anyone else. I can not keep making withdrawals from myself without making some deposits. If I am not whole, I don't have what I need to give to my family. I have not allowed my family to see the real Salli, for so many years that I'm pretty sure they have forgotten. As I said before, I have no idea how to get from Point A to Point B, but I'm working on it. I'm learning how to let it go. Letting go of the preconceived notions of who I should be, who I'm expected to be, and what is expected of me. I need to be completely engaged with my own family, and not let those that continually push me away have any bearing on me.

I have struggled with a "duty" to be there for extended family and even some friends, only to feel used. To feel like the only time I am good enough to talk to, or be around, is when they need something. I refuse to be used. I refuse to continue feeding into someone's need to use someone else. I am trying, to be graceful and respectful in my own need to shut out those that have hurt/insulted/used me. I have begun putting the walls back up around me, not to shut out those I love, but to protect me from those that have used me. To protect my peace, I am closing the line of communication and I will not be taken for granted. Everyone is busy, myself included, but no one is too busy for a phone call. A little thing to say hey, hope you are doing good, how's the kids, how's the farm, how are you?! I know visiting is a little more tricky with distance, but nothing is impossible with a little desire to do so. I do not ask for much, never have. I simple ask for respect, honesty, loyalty, and to take my feelings into account before you drag me into your issues. I don't need daily phone calls, or even weekly, for that matter. I just ask that you think of me more than just when an issue pops up and you need someone to talk to, that you know won't go gossiping about it everywhere. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that any conversations I have - stay with me. I don't have the need or desire to go telling everyone in 3 states what has been told me. That's not how I work.

I have dreams, passions, and skills; that I have never fully explored. More than just being everyone's venting post and friend of convenience. I would be curious to know how many people actually know me. I know there are 2 for sure, but beyond that, I would be willing to be that there are not many. I have pushed aside the things that matter to me for many reasons, but now, I have found that I can not keep pushing them aside. It's pushing aside my own wants/needs, that have pushed me into this dark hole I have dealt with. It's continually pushing aside my own wants/needs to allow for supporting everyone else, that has left me feeling so desolate and lost. I have allowed the issues of many, collide and trample my own needs and wants. I have allowed everyone's wants, needs and demands to overrule my own. I can't help but ask myself, "why?" Why have so many been allowed to use me and throw me away like a piece of trash. I have allowed it. I have become the proverbial door mat. This is just a heads up...THAT IS OVER! I will NOT be a door mat for anyone! I will not be used or treated as less of a person, by anyone for any reason. I will NOT be a convenient friend, or family member. Family is family, and always will be; but there is no acceptable reason to treat others so poorly. From this point forward, I will be treating people as they treat me.

I have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for friendships I no longer have, feeling sorry for all the time I pushed my own needs and wants to a back burner to allow everyone and everything else to have their limelight. That is done! I am letting go of everything that does not serve a purpose, or that constantly brings me grief. I will no longer be a convenience, I will no longer be the venting post for temporary friendships, I will no longer be a door mat for ANYONE! You can either accept me for who I am, flaws and all, or you can find your way away from me.

I have felt hurt, insulted, used, and belittled. I have struggled with trying to be everything to everyone; only to find that I am nothing to most, unless they need something. I have made plenty of mistakes, and have spent so much time not living up to my full potential, but I am finding my way again. I am Letting go of the negativity that has surrounded me for more years than I care to count. I had lived with a lot of positivity as much as I could, but for years I have hidden behind what was expected of me. I am not a carbon copy of anyone. I am me, in all the good and bad, it's time to shed the masks.

"this wind is howling like this storm that's swirling inside of me, let it go, can't hold me back anymore. I don't care what they're going to say, slam the door." "It's time to see what I can, to test the limits and see what I do." "That perfect girl is gone,"

It's time start releasing everything that has been hidden behind the expected behavior. It's time to release the struggles people have placed on me, in their times of need. It's time to let the true Salli shine. This is a journey, especially since the real me has not been seen by many since I was in my 20's. There have been too many hardships of my own, too many needs and wants I have neglected, too many dreams that have been squashed, to allow someone else to have their needs, wants, dreams and desires to come to fruition. I am raising my children to find their dreams, and passions; why on earth would they want to listen to advice from someone who doesn't follow their own advice?! It's time for my family to finally see what their true wife and mom is like. It's time they get to see me truly happy, truly content, and truly me.

I have kept everyone, including my family, at arms length for years. The neglectful way I have been treated, has caused my own defensive mechanisms, the walls if you will, to be too high and to impenetrable for even them to get through. It's not fair to them, but I have kept everyone out. It's been my way of dealing with everyone and everything. I get overwhelmed with so much on my plate, and I don't have anywhere to turn to release the issues, so I hide them/bury them so deep that I can keep moving forward. I have been friends with my best friend for 22 years, and to be honest, I think she is probably the only person that knows me completely. She has been there through everything and is still there today. She is truly more valuable to me than I could ever express!!! She and I have can have truly open conversations about her life, my life, our dreams, our goals, our issues, and the problems of the world; and never would we ever judge each other. Never would we not be there for each in truly serious times of need.

I have had people in my life that have seen different sides of me, not only friends, but guy friends/boyfriends that have seen different pieces of me. Until recently, I have not ever really felt comfortable enough with anyone besides my friend, to be 100% me. I know I have seen struggles both single, and married. I have seen good times too. However, I have never let my whole self be present ever. I have always been what everyone thought I should be.

I'm tired of constantly trying to be everything to everyone. It's exhausting to constantly be pushed to be what is expected. It's exhausting to keep pushing my own wants/needs deeper, to allow everyone else to strive for their goals. It's time for me. It's time to let go of the reigns of fear, struggle, and expectations. It's time to understand and find myself again. It's time to let go and be me!

I need to work toward finding my own path again, and letting my family truly see me. Let them see how freeing it can be to be honest with yourself. It's time to start bringing everything I have hidden from myself and everyone else, to the forefront. It's time to put a voice to my needs and wants. It's time for Salli to be honest with herself.

A new day has dawned, and this spark of fire I have tamped down, is about to grow. I just hope that as it grows, the lost and restless feelings I have had for so many years, allows me to finally be happy. I hope that as I let everything, the overwhelming struggles I have had, are finally released.

I am moving on, letting go and using this time as a growing experience. I don't know what the path will be from Point A to Point B, but I will get there, eventually. I will be a better person for everything I have gone through and everything I am currently faced with. I have already learned the true friends I have, and even some friends that I am finding to be dear to me. I have learned that my husband is here through everything even with the lack of direction I have dealt with all these years. I am learning how to handle issues thrown at me, and I will prevail...even if it takes time. I am a strong person, independent, reliable, honest, loyal, hard-working, and always willing to learn. However, I am not someone you can take for granted anymore. I am not someone who will continue to be a door mat for anyone. I am letting go of the anchors in my life.

"Let. It. Go!"
Salli