Ok, so I must say, I have so many thoughts racing through my head...it kinda reminds me of a Nascar track...when they still raced. These blogs have become a cathartic outlet for me, kind of like having a cup of coffee with a friend. You know those conversations that go on for hours, and "solve the problems of the world?!" Too many times, we forget the value of face-to-face interaction. I, for one, am very fond of my time alone but I also enjoy conversation with people that I consider friends.
Today, is yet another day, when I want to talk about this racing mind of mine. I'm sure everyone has seen that meme on social media saying, "my brain is like have 2640 tabs open, half are not responding, and no one knows where the music is coming from." Well, ALL my tabs are functioning, and the music is quite intentional. While I love music, and a great beat is worth its weight...I'm a lyrics person. I relate to words. So, if I talk about a song, or share songs...I'm listening to the words. Sometimes, I have to give myself a kick start with some rocking music to find my step. Lately, I have needed music more. I need stuff I can sing along with, dance around to, and just lose myself in. It helps quiet racing thoughts...even if it's a temporary reprieve. There is only a few things I have found that help to quiet my mind, even if temporary - Music, nature, a few drinks, and conversation. I'm not talking about the surface conversations that so many have anymore. I'm talking deep conversations, that actually have meaning. There's very few that can have those anymore. So, today...my outlet is music.
I'm trying to find some solid footing again. It became too easy to compartmentalize things for me...so rather than deal with them, head-on, I buried them. Let things roll off my back, while internalizing them and inadvertently causing myself more stress. I quit arguing a long time ago. I moved to a point of just listening to the storm blowing through, took a step back and basically, came to the conclusion of "whatever." I seriously HATE that exact word. It solves nothing, it makes whomever uses it sound less intelligent and caring, and it causes more damage than it solves. However, I'm guilty of using it...repeatedly! I became overwhelmed a LONG time ago. No one realizes the weight that sits on my shoulders every minute of every day. I don't talk about most of it! I can honestly say, there are 2 people in the world that I trust enough to open myself to those vulnerabilities. Being vulnerable is not something I care to show most. It's a position that leads to being taken advantage of or abused. No thanks!
Lately, it seems I find myself on a pretty slippery slope. Some days are great, while others are not! I can't seem to find any time to just be. I'm constantly dealing with someone else's issues, someone else's energies, have people talking at me constantly, and/or someone demanding my attention. Taking a 15 minute shower, is not even a time for a few minutes of quiet. Last night, I finally made an effort to try to decompress and center myself. I filled my soaker tub with epsom salts, essential oils; lit a candle and had an adult beverage. I turned on some 432ghz music for healing, and meditated. I found calm for that precious time. However, stepping from that back into my life was fuzzy, at best. It was like waking from a dream, feeling calm yet energized...then real life jumped back in with issues, stresses and drama. I don't know how to climb out of this rut. I am in uncharted territory here. Pulling myself out of hard times, is what I have always done. This one feels different to me, and that maybe why I'm struggling. There is such a heavy pressure on my shoulders right now, it's getting hard to bare.
I'm watching so much chaos in our country and that is playing heavily into my heart. I don't watch any main stream crap, and only a few alternatives now. I had to take a step back. Too many people haven't taken any true steps to try to learn any truth. They just blindly follow, rather than to use discernment and question anything. I've come to the conclusion that some people are going to have to experience being blindsided before they truly open their mind and eyes.
Clutter. I have always referred to clutter as a mess. I hate clutter, even though I have plenty of it. Clutter causes unnecessary stress and is usually the result of having too much stuff. I have found, for me, that clutter leads to more than just a messy house. It leads to cluttered minds, thoughts, and emotions. When clutter is piled up, it's hard to see clearly. It's hard to find clarity when all we see is clutter. Cleaning up and out clutter, helps to clear the way for clarity within. I'm preaching to the choir here. I need to remove clutter from my home and life! The more crap piles up, the more cluttered my brain becomes!
On a less heavy subject, my internal chaos has not stopped my Christmas decorating. It has slowed it down tremendously, but not stopped it. My family's drama has put a damper on the overall mood for me this year. Even though it looks like I will have all 4 kids here this year, my struggle is playing a major part. I did more yesterday to bring even more decorations out of totes. It's starting to look festive. I have managed to get the deck tree up and decorated, the tree in the house is up but not yet decorated since my family is never all home at the same time right now, the fireplace is decorated, many of the doorways, and lights around the living room & dining room. I finally found and decorated my coffee table. Now, I'm looking at all the Christmas totes cluttering the living & dining room, a kitchen full of cluttered and messy shelves, too many animals making constant messes, and just too much left on the to-do list!
So, for today, I'm going to stop. There are a million subjects I could touch on, but right now, I just need to find some sort of footing to start my day. Have a beautiful weekend.
S.
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