It's very interesting to gauge and temper myself to fit into anyone's "proper box." I really don't want to be in a box start with. I like the idea of abstract thinking, thinking with my intuition to guide me, and those things that I can't make sense of get prayers sent over. It's a remarkable freedom to not give 2 cents to anyone else's opinion but it's also unsettling when you find yourself among so many that just want to comply or keep everything the same. I don't fit in a box....no matter how big it may be.
I have spent years playing the "middleman," or referee for so many different things, that I'm just tired. I tried to keep my own balance, my own peace of mind, and my own space. That doesn't work when you are overwhelmed. Each year that passed, I lost a little more of myself, until I have reached a point of needing to grow. I used to called it being restless, but I don't believe that is what it is anymore. I'm content in most areas of my life, but I need something. Whether that be a little spontaneity, some relaxation, or who knows what. I just know I'm needing something. You need to understand that I am the least "needy" person I've known. I learned a long time ago, to never "need" anyone or anything. I don't depend on anyone, and trust is difficult for me. I'm usually pretty content to isolate myself to my corner of the world. I love my life, my family is my entire world, and our little farm is all about family - our family and my husband's family. While I was not blood, his grandfather always made me feel like I was. I was close to him. Anyway, I just truly believe I found what I was meant to do...at least my life style.
I thought I had found something fueled my passion, and I did, but the politics involved did not sit well with me. I've got an opportunity to keep going in the same but different direction, but it has me concerned too. I don't do well with the drama, politics and limitations that seems to be involved in so much anymore. That is an area that just has to wait for now. I need to iron out some other areas.
The past 2 years have been a pretty massive struggle. I am not any different than a lot of others. For me, I've struggled with so much, in so many areas that I just shut down from most everyone. I guess that's just what I do...when I get overwhelmed, I shut out the world until I can find solid ground again. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling to find it. There's a constant flow of activity in my home and has been for most of the year. Things I have always done have become more trying. I love to celebrate everything I can in life, but so much resistance leaves me feeling defeated and deflated. Honestly, this year should be beyond exciting. I'm going to have all my kids home for my favorite holidays, my brother will be here...I should be over-the-moon excited, and I am. However, I'm also so overwhelmed, it's taking so much energy to not bite people's heads off. Honestly, no one is doing anything wrong. I am just in a weird spot.
Expectations. I think for many of us, expectations are the root cause of many issues. We expect others to believe, think or feel as we do. When that is not the case, we get disappointed. Disappointment tends to come out as anger, guilt, or frustration. I can not speak for anyone else, but rather than voice my own expectations, I keep quiet. I fall back and just see how others will behave. When I don't push, I notice that the drive from others isn't there either. So, instead, I have to nag or throw a fit to get things moving, done or even started. It's simple things, like: emptying the trash when it's clearly overflowing, cleaning up a noticeable mess, or just offering/actually doing something to help; instead of creating more work on my shoulders. I have left housework, intentionally, to see if anyone would pick up the slack. Sadly, all I did was create more work for myself.
Anyway, I'm in a bit of a rut anymore and I don't like it. I need to find my balance, my solid ground again. I guess until then, I will keep up the juggling act.
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