Welcome to the end of January!
It always seems as though January takes like 12 years to get through! It's the month of nothing happening. All the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's gatherings have ended. Schedules get all sorts of messed with November and December for holidays, gatherings, etc. Then January rolls in and you have nothing. The weather is cold, gloomy and all the pretty holiday decorations are put away. It's really kind of a depressing month. As someone who would much rather be outdoors than in, it's a tough month for me.
I have really tried to control my emotions and in turn, my mouth lately. It's upsetting when you attempt to help others, and then it comes back at you as nothing but grief! Honestly, it doesn't matter whether it's family or friends. I'm always saying, don't ask my opinion unless you truly want it! Also, my opinion is just what I see from my perspective. I just shared a memory on social media this morning that I had forgotten about. It said "do you want comfort or solutions," and a comment said, "are we listening or problem solving." I really believe this should be a mantra for every household and relationship! It's so much easier to know where we need to turn our thoughts....especially for those of us that are fixers!
I have had a couple of years now that have required me to take a look at myself and where I stand. It has caused me a lot of upset, to realize that a lot of past hurts had planned largely into my own personality and character. I'm old enough to know that playing a blame game at this point, is useless. However, those hurts and early lessons will stick with you for a lifetime. Taking a look at them, and having to overcome them after-the-fact, has been painful and insightful, in equal measure. While I despise whiners and people that use those things as crutches....I found myself inching closer to being in the same boat. I found myself needing validation from others, to verify my worth. I found myself needing validation from others to know I was "good enough." When I wouldn't get it, it left me feeling bad about myself. That is a psychological result from unhealed trauma/issue. I refuse to allow that to go on for another generation. So, I've had to "fix" me....not really fix but heal. That's a difficult feat when you can't go back in time. That's when you have to learn to heal without a apology, without closure, or whatever you may have needed previously. I have spent a lot of years living by the theory of being to others what I needed. The only thing I can tell you from doing that is, you end up trying to pour from an empty cup continuously. You can't be everything to everyone. No matter how hard you try. You can't fix everything for everyone else. You can be supportive without taking on other's issues as your own. Again, this is difficult for those of us that are fixers.
It's so difficult to spend so much time alone. Many find they get bored or even depressed. It's also difficult to slow down and force yourself to work on self care. Many times, we end up finding things out about ourselves that aren't what we thought, or we find that we have done things that do not really go along with our character. Facing those things, head-on, can be difficult too. Especially when it goes against the very values you hold within your heart. Forgiving yourself for making a mistake or being human, is necessary. I learned a long time ago, to not need anyone, to not fully trust anyone, and I have spent a lot of time on my own. Even now, I spend more time in silence than I do in conversation. I have connected with people, at times, that I feel the Universe put in my path, for a reason. You know.... either a blessing or a lesson. Sadly, most of them have been lessons. However, those lessons were there to remind me of my own values, my own worth. No one is allowed to tell me what those are. That is mine, and mine alone. My value and my worth are not based on anyone else's opinion. I think this is a lesson too many of us forgot or were never taught in our growing up years. We spend too much time trying to prove our value/worth to employers/friends/spouses/etc. We base those on what we have for salaries, material items, and such, when those have so much less to do with anything more than the flashy outward appearances. When we can not place value in ourselves, we will not place value in anything else.
Ok, I'm done philosophizing for now. We are getting closer to moving into the technically the shortest month of the year...although sometimes it feels twice as long as January! We know the Spring Equinox is just over 6 weeks away. While here in the Midwest, that doesn't mean Jack!! It does mean we are closer to the warmer months of Spring, the grass greening up, leaves popping back out on the trees, and the beauty of nature rebirthing. I can tell you, I am beyond ready for that!!
I have a lot on my plate this year. A lot of decisions need to made in the coming months. I have spent the month re-evaluating so much. What do I want, what direction do I want to go, how do I want the results to turn out, who do I want to include, and how much do I want to disclose. I've also been thinking a lot about how I intend to move forward. I've reached a stage in my life that has me seeing more of that empty nesting. Kids are older, no longer needing constant care. One kid planning to get married. Being closer to 50 than 40, and finding a new normal. I've found myself at the whim of change, as the next phase of my life is happening. Honestly, I've read so many of the women in my age group dealing with this same overwhelming part of life. It's more comforting, than not, to know this is not just something I am facing alone. It's difficult to explain to anyone that has not or is not dealing with pre-menopause or menopause.
With all the insanity that goes along with this stage, is also the "joy" of redefining relationships. This has been tricky for me. I have been Mom first for 21 plus years, then wife, then everything else. While I will always be Mom....now, my focus and energy is shifting. Now, it's trying to deal with my body doing odd things, and finding a neutral area of re-establishing my relationship with my husband. That has never really left, but it was different than where it goes from now on. It's finding a common ground to relate, finding things that we can do together, learning that there are things we will never agree on, and learning or relearning boundaries that really couldn't exist with small children. It's truly a strange time in life. I get why people refer to this stage of life, a mid-life crisis. Although I think that is a bit dramatized, I get it!
Anyway, I believe I will end this here today. It's another day of a lot of insights, and emotional juggling. Have a beautiful weekend!
Salli
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