Lightbulb! Ah Ha...

 

 

My "lightbulb, ah ha moment."

 

So, as you know, I believe in and practice a lot of insight and meditation. I have really worked on being a better steward of society. I have a strong faith in our Creator, no matter what label may be placed on him. I am in constant competition to be a better person each day, than I was the day before. I place some seriously high standards on myself. I have let myself down, and made mistakes that have thrown me for a loop at times. Reaching this current "ascension moment" has stemmed from many months of issues. Let me try to explain.

 

 If you know me, you know I am constantly on the go. Be it gardening, taking care of animals, my family, something on our farm, or a million other projects. About 8-9 months ago, I started fighting some sort of respiratory crap...it starts as a sinus infection, and for me has led to a vicious cycle of sinus/allergy, bronchitis, and at a couple points hit walking pneumonia. I would like to believe I have finally kicked it so all I'm dealing with now is allergies. There were days it took all I had to get out of bed, and anything more than that was a stretch. Anyway, my energy levels were awful, and my stamina was as bad. I got to a very dark level for me. Not depressed, but close. I found myself at a point of pity. Pity for myself, for some things I've dealt with, some things I've gone through, and again a million other things. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have felt pity for myself, in my LIFE! It lowers my energy and puts me on a level I do not want to be on. I struggled with not being what I wanted to be, feeling guilty for allowing myself months of nonsense, and ultimately, berating myself for becoming exactly the type of person I didn't want to be. I have studied psychology, and I know that negative self talk is detrimental. Knowing it and avoiding it are two very different things. It's like giving advice but not taking your own advice. 

Anyway, I spend a majority of my time doing things for my family, teaching my youngest child, attempting to stay on top of paperwork, keep up with the animals & their health, all while trying to keep up with extended family, friends, and do something that I enjoy as a stress relief. Well, stress has gotten the better of me. When I get super stressed, I can't eat...it will physically make me sick. So, these last months have meant I have dropped some weight. About 23 lbs. to be exact. It's not exactly easy for me to just put it back on, especially while still trying to manage my stress level. I spend so much of my time, trying to help everyone else...yet, I was needing help and no one saw it. 

So, the first of the kicks in my own backside was this: a dear friend and I were chatting. I was explaining some of the things I was dealing with and how overwhelmed I was. We talked through several scenarios, several options to ease the stress, and the final part of the conversation was me trying to quit smoking and each time I ended up smoking more, or belittling myself for having another one. She asked me how that was working for me. Not well, obviously, she said well give yourself permission to have one when you need it, after you have completed a chore. I'm giving you permission. That conversation(obviously, there was a lot more to that one), was the beginning of my eye opening. My first kick in the seat of the pants. My take away:  the negativity isn't working so turn it around and do something different. 

The next couple kicks have come over the past week or so. This one is a little harder to explain. Several days before my Dad's family was having a reunion, he got sick. He'd been fighting several health issues almost the entire time I had. The difference, he's 71. After losing my mother-in-law unexpectedly, I have had some real insights into how quickly our loved ones can leave us and their loss in our lives is a hole that can never be filled. Anyway, finding out my Dad had 2 arteries 100% blocked scared the crap out of me. I didn't plan to attend the reunion this year. Realistically, we didn't have the money and when I leave...everything seems to fall apart here at home. As I said earlier, I have some exceptionally high standards for myself, and leaving my work to anyone else seems irresponsible. Well, after a that scare and postponing a few things, I made the trip with my daughter. We decided we would try tent camping as part of schooling, and to not invade my Dad's house. She was thrilled, me a lot less so. Needless to say, we had a great time, Dad had an inflatable air mattress which made the camping thing fun, even for me. I got to spend some needed time with my Dad, even it did hit me like a ton of bricks that I know EXACTLY where I get my strong will from! Anyway, while I was there camping in a tent, one morning I woke up to the sun just starting to rise. It was cool outside, I pulled my blanket up and was going to go back to sleep...except I couldn't. As I watched the sun rise, it occurred to me that no matter how much I have researched, and how many things I now know have been taught to us that are inaccurate, I have still held on to something that is perceived as a negative. 

This kick was just today. It falls into the perceived negative I just shared. How many of us have heard, "aren't you just being an over achiever?" I have many times. Today thought was this: being an overachiever is a lie. What exactly are we over achieving? Who set the standards for achievement? Are we over achieving by reaching our goals, striving to go further than our family or ancestors? It's a big ole lie. So, let's move on to my gut feeling on this.

You see, a week and a half ago, it dawned on me that I am different. Yes, I know...stop laughing! I knew before before hand, actually most of my life. I AM different. My husband has told me that I have changed the past 3 years, and he's right, I have. In all my weakest moments, I always questioned if my parents were proud of who I have become, if my grandparents would be proud of who I have become, if I was a good enough sibling, friend, etc. But you want to know something sad? Never once did I ask myself if I was proud of who I had become. Never once did I look in the mirror and remind myself that so many different decisions could have made into a completely different person. So, since then, I have changed my views. I hope my family, extended family, and friends are proud of me...but I am proud of who I am working to become, I am proud of who I am today because I am better than I was yesterday. It takes a different perspective to learn confidence over arrogance. To realize that I may not get to every single project on my lists, but I work at them every single day. Even if that means, on a bad day, just getting one thing crossed off. Even if that means I push myself through a chore so I can sit down with my bottle of water and a cigarette. I do hold myself to high standards, and that won't change. Too many have low standards that they hit, rather than reaching higher and working harder. I'm not an over achiever, nor do I need accolades to acknowledge the things I do. I do what I feel is right, with the choices I am presented with. I may learn later down the road, that I made a stupid choice...but I go off the choices I have in the moment. I believe its called "live and learn."

I have changed a LOT the past 3 years, I needed to! I had become someone I didn't like. I made some bad judgement calls, I allowed stress to pile up, I let my own health take a big hit, I let many people take advantage of me, I had quit speaking my mind so I didn't ruffle any feathers, and even up to recently...I held in a lot to keep the peace. I kept myself so overly busy, I couldn't think about things I NEEDED. Instead of having having to tell or explain to people that I wanted respect, there were things missing or needs not being met. I kept quiet. I figured someone would notice. I have spent a big part of my life living by, "never depend on people, they will let you down." It's true, but it's still sad. I found myself with pages of things that needed to get done, and got so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start. I quit doing pretty much everything off the farm, aside from necessary grocery/feed trips. All the research I have done, has had me doing everything I could to stock my pantry, get bills paid off, and try to find a little extra every pay period to keep as cash. I found very few that I could talk openly with about my research so I quit talking. Most of what I learned 3-4 years ago, is happening now. I want to set an example for my kids, teaching them everything I can, so they can do better than what I will do in my life. I want them to succeed, I want them to be critical thinkers, I want them to be "over achievers," I want them to set their standards high, and not lower them for anyone! 

There is so much more I could write about here. Each day I wake up is another opportunity to improve myself, FOR myself. I don't need to impress anyone. I have taken some time, and may take a little more yet, to restructure what needs done around here. There are things I am not willing to give up or walk away from, but I need to flip things around to priority. For years I said, "when things aren't going right, take a hard left." I think it's about time for a hard left. My house may get messy but it's never dirty. I may get some weeds in my garden but I will get to them. I think having clean clothes should be a high priority. Meal planning and preparation may have a few new chefs, a few days a week. As I begin sorting/organizing/pitching, I may try to sell some of the stuff to buy some lumber. I would love to build something again. I may bite the bullet and ask my husband to teach me how to use the big tiller. I may not be able to handle it alone right now...but I will get there. Each day, I am going to work towards one main goal. I have lots to choose from. I want to make some changes in a lot of areas that are not working for me. I got a little lazy for several years, trying to keep peace, trying to make everyone else's life better...it just created issues for me. It has come time that every person has to handle their stuff. Being a venting post is ok at times, but not all the time. There are times the only way to learn, is the hard way. It doesn't matter if you are 5, 15, 25, 45, or 75. I no longer will be allowing guilt trips, manipulation, belittling, berating or any other negative action, without it being called out. You see, after YEARS of poor behaviors by others, my own poor choices, and allowing others to place a value on me...it knocked me to my knees.

From this point forward, I will only be on my knees to pray!  I pray, nearly everyday for my husband and my kids, my extended family and our dearest friends. I pray for safety, good health and guidance. I pray for our country and our military. As I finish this blog, I encourage you to be a blessing, not a lesson.