This blog is entirely my generalized opinion, from lessons I have learned and continue to learn daily. We each go through different phases at different ages, and from different experiences or current life path. The great thing for each of us, is that we have choices that can change the direction, if we are willing to make the efforts to do so.
I personally find it funny that I am considered at mid-life age. I remember thinking mid-life was old...and I do not feel old, mostly. I still remember the feelings/thoughts from my 20's & 30's, the ups and downs that went with life. I still remember the long sleepless nights of newborns, the constant care of toddlers, the teething, watching all their firsts, and even into the preteen years. I remember the jobs I held, the struggles and the joys. I don't feel all that different at nearly 50, than I did 20 or 30 years ago...aside from a few more aches, and a lot more knowledge.
My kids, at least my 2 oldest, are now at the age I begin to remember very well. The 21-24 year old range was the time I "sowed my wild oats." I explored, I tried new things, new job directions, different people, worked hard, partied when I could, finished my "formal education," and found out who I was separate from my extended family. I made more than my share of mistakes and bad choices. I also made some amazing choices that continue to shape who I am today. It was during that time, I had to learn to pay attention to details, after some dumb mistakes. Even though I have continued to make some mistakes, I work hard to learn my lessons from them. I am not perfect in any shape of the word. Using the lessons I learned, I was able to work towards raising my children to break the generational molds.
My generation of kids was pretty much raised fending for ourselves. By today's standards, we had detached parents. We didn't have parents up our rears every second of the day, we weren't over-stimulated with activities because they didn't have time to cart our butts everywhere, and we were forced to be outside playing. We sat on the hot tar roads, popping the tar bubbles until someone yelled "car," girls and boys alike were playing in the dirt and grass with Hot Wheels and Tonka's. We rode bicycles everywhere. We had our groups of friends, and our groups of bullies. We mostly looked out for each other, as did other parents that were around. We weren't a bunch of germaphobes, worried about washing our hands every 20 seconds, and none of were sick everyday either. If you fell down, you rubbed some dirt on it, got up and tried again and again. If you were involved in an activity, you busted your butt to do your best, but you were only rewarded if you were the best. Otherwise, you worked harder to prepare for the next time. Nothing was handed to you. You worked for it...mowing the yard, babysitting, after school jobs, but you did chores and you weren't getting a dime for that. If you got in trouble in school, it was going to be ten times worse at home! You did NOT disrespect or talk back to your parents...you might have ended up with missing teeth, a shoe up your butt or a time frame you don't remember. Even an eye roll or too deep of a breath would be considered "talking back."
Kids today have gone soft. I don't know a single "kid" under 30 that could have survived the 80's & 90's. My own included! Most parents today work. There isn't a parent full-time home anymore, it's just not possible for most. However, kids are in all sorts of extra curricular activities, daycares, after school programs, etc. and that has the younger generations over stimulated, and they don't know how to handle boredom or even a challenge in real life. The younger generation has been brought up with everyone getting a ribbon to avoid exclusion, so they don't understand the stamina it takes to excel. They enter the world thinking if their feelings get hurt, everyone else is in the wrong. Real life is hard and we have created such a mental softening that it is making it even harder for them. Everyone wants to talk about mental illness, but I see it more as a mental softening. As I said, I am guilty too. We always want to do better for our kids, but we(myself included) have made it worse. We have taken to hover parenting. Everything from too much screen time, to too many activities, being too over zealous in illnesses, to not allowing our kids to experience failure and growth. Young people today do not understand that failure isn't permanent, that we should learn from what doesn't work. When they experience a set a back, they think it's the end of the world and become "depressed." Rather than teaching our young people to build from guaranteed failures, we teach them that failing isn't an option. How wrong is that?! I know, from experience, I have failed a LOT! I used those lessons to grow, become better and do better next time! I have made plenty of mistakes. I fix what I can, but learn from all of them!
So many times, we unintentionally project our own issues onto the kids. Again, I am guilty of this too. We give advice from our experiences, but we also give it from the point that we are at currently. While that can be beneficial, it can also cause a world of other issues. Giving advice, as most of us do, is our opinion only. Many times we do not know the entire story, unless you see what goes on behind closed doors...sadly, we never get the full story. My Dad always told me there were 3 sides to a story - his side, her side and somewhere in the middle was "the rest of the story." Again, from my own experiences...the way I perceive issues/problems, is usually completely different than my husband sees them. Our responses to those issues/problems are usually, also at different ends of the spectrum. Even though we still have kids at home, even they don't know the entire rest of the story. My husband and I can sit down, have a conversation or yelling match...but usually it's the conversations when we lay in bed talking at night, when we find a common ground. Sometimes, we have to just agree to disagree. This tends to be an issue for younger people though. They hit some hard spells, and rather than try to find that middle road, they give up.
It all reminds me of a young lady that I spoke with a couple of months ago. She was mid-20's, and had quite a plan for life. She had a reference guide for her dates! She was part of the online dating stuff. She chose her dates based off this guide. Now, I get the dating world is COMPLETELY different than it was 30 years ago, but holy cow!! They had to look a certain way, had to have a certain income, had to have a "life plan" (what the hell is that?), they had to be in one of four industries, and way down the list of about 50 items...they had to like to travel, like animals but not eat any, the guys parents couldn't be divorced, etc. Damn! No wonder she was having troubles with dating. First of all, how are you going to find a partner for your life if you are not physically interacting with people? Second, talk about limiting yourself or having a simple marriage of convenience. I tried to understand the thoughts that went into this...but honestly, it left me with my jaw hanging open. I have heard plenty of stories of the dating world today, and I don't think I could do it if I had to. It just breaks my heart that young people have become so superficial.
For me, it comes back to the how we were raised though. Even in my generation, we were raised with checking off boxes, as a means of how successful we were. Finishing high school, finishing college, getting married, buying a house, having a kid, yada yada. I won't lie...I bought into that for awhile. I thought that laundry list of accomplishments would mean I had been successful. I have since found out that it's a big ole crock! None of that made me successful, so to speak. I have done the married thing, I finished high school and college, I have amazing kids, I have a house...and you know the biggest success I have, is having a family that is my entire world...no matter how frustrated they make me at times. My success is not based on material stuff...it's based on the people I have in my life. It's not money, possessions, or any of that nonsense. Sadly, you can share this knowledge with others, but too often it's not going to be recognized. The world today has destroyed the family unit...with divorces, dysfunction, over extended schedules, outrageous debt and a lack of stamina to hold hard to core values.
It's sad to me. Growing up in a divorced family, it super tough. Especially when the adults can't co-parent, use/manipulate not only the kids but the other parent as well, or they simply use the kids as a pawn. I swore when I had kids, I would do everything in my power to never put them in any of those situations. I nearly broke that pact many years ago. I will not take all the blame, but I know it's take 2 to make or break any relationship. Fortunately, we have avoided it. However, we part of a rare bunch. It's not easy. We are two very independent, and different people...even now. We hit heads, we argue, we fuss, we mutter under our breath; but at the end of the day...we keep going. We keep trying. It's a daily challenge to avoid miscommunication, differences of opinions, and still the differences in our upbringings. Sometimes, though, it's the late night break through or compromises that make the biggest impacts. Learning to be a united front in public, even if having the "you're an idiot" conversation in private, keeping your life private in a world of over shared everything, and learning that having to label everything is nonsense.
It's ok to not have a concrete plan, sometimes having a laundry list of backup plans is necessary. You may even get to plan z before you find the right decision. Learning that a failed attempt, is not the end...but it means you found a way that didn't work. Go on to the next plan and the next until you find one that does work. Don't over schedule your life. I know everyone needs to work, but you must make time for things other than work...and running kids to everything under the sun. Plan a day of no screen time hiking, board games, actually being present in the lives of your loved ones, without the distractions of technology. I know this is difficult, but the most rewarding parts of life come from some of the most difficult parts. Get to truly know your kids, and let them know you...without the stress of technology or scheduled activities. They will truly hate the no screen time for awhile, guaranteed! They will thank you for it later! Actually listen when they talk to you, ask questions to clarify if needed. If you have little kids...getting down on their level to talk/play can make a world of difference!
I am still learning and growing every day. I'm nearly 50 and I don't care what anyone says...you can teach an old dog new tricks, if you have the stamina, determination, patience and desire to do so. One of the best of life, aside from my family, has been learning and growing every day. None of us know everything about everything. Honestly, many of us don't even realize what we don't know. We have been taught that learning ends when you are out of school, and you should just "know," once you reach a certain age. That could not be further from the truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment