Coffee and Conversation

 

Holy cow, it's June already! Where did the first half of the year go?! Once again(more like still), I have a lot on my mind. It's so strange to actually feel changes within yourself, like there is a physical/tangible change. For many people, sitting within themselves would be very uncomfortable, if it actually happened to begin with. For me, this has been a 10 year process, and I promise it's not always been a comfortable one. I've reflected on my life, from my early years to present day, and sometimes my own B.S. irritates me too. I've had the joyful experience of different phases of life in this decade of reflection. I have had a lot to work through, because sometimes we ARE the problem....and we have to be able to accept that, and make changes when possible. While I have held myself accountable for my own behaviors, I've had to come to grips with some situations, that will either never be resolved, or things that happened that can not be changed. It's difficult to allow forgiveness without "closure," but it's necessary for growth. It's difficult to face some truths but it's even harder to live with a monkey on your back. 

It's been so crazy to me, having so many years of reflection, yet watching those around me be either oblivious or unconcerned by the state I have been in. The physical appearance is drastic, but my withdrawl has been huge. I had to have this experience, I suppose, as my own growth and maturity needed it. I would cheekily say, it's because I'm 50 now and I don't care what anyone thinks, but that is such a blanketed nasty and elementary general excuse. The truth is, I have been through hell and back, I have worked on myself even when everything around me felt like it was falling apart, I have cried in the shower or after everyone went to bed so I could release things I no longer talk about. I have felt the weight of aging parents, the betrayal of family, having my children grow and push me away, I have been fearful of trying to refind a "new normal" in marriage with grown children, having a new phase of my own body making me question every second of the day with my own thoughts, and wondering if I am good enough, smart enough, or even capable enough to do so many things - it was a vicious circle. Coming out the other side now, I am seeing a world of ignorance, stupidity and immaturity. I'm seeing that, as a parent, we can raise our children right but they are responsible for their own behaviors and actions, and the way they treat others. The influences they have in their lives will be their driving force. When your children become adults, you love them with all your heart unconditionally, but you pray harder for them every day! They are living in a world that has no depth and very little accountability. 

The past week, I've been seeing some clarity that I haven't seen for a long time. It's pretty wild. The hard part is now, coming back out of the dark. I've always heard, you can't succeed from your comfort zone, your success is waiting outside those boundaries. That comfort zone is a safe place to be, and it's comfortable when you can control your surroundings. When you challenge that comfort, it's terrifying. A decade is a long time to live within those self-limiting walls. Not to mention, life is a lot more costly now! When you have spent so much time trying to see both sides of every story and every issue...it's a challenge to cut that string. Having empathy is part of who I am, but I have let it rule my entire being for a lot of my adult life. I've had to accept that always trying to find the good in people(there is good in everyone, even if they don't show it), not everyone will be good. I have spent decades being referee, mediator, and tried to repair damaged ties; but I'm not doing that anymore. All that did was drain my spirit and hurt me. It's just not a game I am willing to play anymore. When you show me who you are by your actions, your words no longer matter. Proof is in the pudding. Step up, show up or get out of the doorway. 

Surprisingly enough, I had a photo come up in my Facebook memories. It was the last time, I can remember feeling such clarity and whole. Weird enough, it was during a trying part of our family's life, when it felt like life would never get "normal" again. It turns out, that was 2 years into my current phase of life and I felt alive, useful, growing and doing work that mattered. It's strange how life's path leads you in the directions you're meant to go. The people you are meant to cross paths with. Some days, I wish I could go back, not to change anything, but relive the moments. 

I'm still working hard on myself. I have a lot to fix, but there is so much that I love about who I am. I have survived a lot to be who I am, even with my flaws; I am a good person to those that are good to me.