Chapter 5 -May pt. 1

As it's now 3/4 of the way through the month, I am just now getting the energy to begin this "Chapter." So much has happened this month and it's just been crazy. For someone who is very instinctive, this month has been chaotic and emotional. With 3 lunar eclipses and coming up on a Super Moon, this is a very strong emotion time. The weather has been bad, at best. The gardens are late getting started, and the landscaping is still a project on the list. The project list is still plenty long, even though we have crossed a few items off it.

We had the excitement of finally getting a deck on the front of our house this month. Then the excitement of having a roof to cover the deck. Then 2 litters of piglets born a few days before planned. Lots of cool weather, stormy weather, and cramming as much as humanly possible into the days it's not cold and rainy. It's made this month busy, crazy and exhausting. We are still trying to get organized from moving onto our hayfield. That has been a challenge within itself. The older I get the more I am finding a need for organization, simplification, and finding balance within myself. Having 2 little's makes cleaning/organizing a real challenge. The oldest is really into antiques, and learning the history of everything possible. The youngest just leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes...but hey, that's part of being 4, right?! I have found so much pleasure in the web site Pinterest. I know, everyone seems to have found it, but there is so much useful information and ideas there. The kiddos and I have gotten science projects, school ideas, recipes, gardening and home decorating ideas from there. It's fun to find little tidbits that allow us to explore new avenues.

This month has had so many emotions attached to it, up and down. I'm finding that even though I have a very large family, I do not feel like a part of it most of the time. I am proud to be part of it, but always feel like an outsider. I have several friends that I depend on more than I think they realize. They are the handful that are always there to listen, they encourage me, aren't afraid to tell me when I'm not thinking straight, and feel more like family than friends. There are friends that I would love to talk to and miss talking to, but haven't in years, in some cases. In other cases, it's not been that long, but feels like a lifetime. I don't have many people that I let into my inner circle, but there are a few. They are the ones that know me, know my personality, know my heart, and are still there through thick and thin. It's those in that inner circle I miss everyday. We may talk by phone or internet, but to be able to sit, have coffee, and visit for hours would be the best gift ever! Since my emotions have been all over the map this month, it's been difficult to talk to some for fear of saying something I will either regret or saying something and having it come out wrong. So, I have spent a lot of time biting my tongue and keeping to myself this month.

Emotions are such a strange thing. Some days you can feel like you could take on the world...and win. Other days you feel like the world is ganging up on you and you just can't win for losing. While I can usually stay positive no matter what is happening in life, the last couple of months has really challenged that. I have spent more time feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated, and honestly like no one cares about me as a person. I have spent several years learning about myself. Knowing my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, etc. As a Mom and a Wife, you are pulled in so many different directions all the time, it's hard not to lose who you are as a woman. It doesn't matter if you are a stay-at-mom, or a working mom...when a woman is a mom, wife/gf, or significant other...woman need to retain an identity beyond Mom and Wife. So many of us dive into our lives, we focus on being a "great" Mom, or a "Trophy/Perfect" wife; that we forget who we are and were before being a Mom and Wife. I honestly believe that because of this, many women not only lose their self-identity but also lose sight of their value in society. We are inundated with the images of the perfect mom and wife from television, movies, and the internet. Even my favorite web site, Pinterest. You go on there and see all the pins of projects, home decorating, fitness, etc. and some compare themselves to those pins and feel like they have not done everything they should do. I will tell you, most of my pins are just dreams, ideas, and options. 90% of them I haven't done, haven't tried or made. Many of the recipes I have...because I get bored with the same crap! ;)

I am not perfect at anything!!!!!!!!!! My house is usually a mess, I have 25 projects going at any point in time and rarely get all of them finished before starting 25 more, my kids are usually filthy by days end - everyday!, I hold grudges(some longer than others), I get angry and say things I shouldn't, many days I feel isolated from everyone and everything, I hate feeling inadequate, I have a obsession trying new things(even if unconventional!), I am happy to embrace the fact that many consider our family odd or old school, I don't always feel capable of living the life I live. Many times I don't feel capable of being the best mom possible for my kids, or the best wife possible to my husband either. Some days, my biggest accomplishments consist of just getting dressed and not breaking anything in the process. There are days I feel like everyone takes advantage of me, and other days I intentionally reach out to friends and family because I need a boost in my self-esteem.

By choosing the life, I now live, 15 years ago....I knew I had an uphill battle to find my own place. I was not raised on a farm, only visited one occasionally that a friend lived on, and spent more time in town or in the city. I didn't have the faintest idea what I was getting into when the journey began with my husband. I was not the ideal woman to fit my husbands life, I know that, but for some reason...he fell in love with me. He scared the hell out of me, honestly. Before we were even dating he told me he loved me. I wasn't ready for the huge step we made, but through all the ups and downs, here we are...coming up on 14 years of marriage. Although I am still learning, still have a lot to learn and still feel inadequate many times, I feel as though I have come into a life that offers so much. I left behind the only life I had ever known to embark on a journey into the unknown...for me, anyway. Living 2 completely different lives has given me such an amazing opportunity to grow. I left a life that was break-neck fast, that was extremely stressful, and full of materialistic stuff. I left that for what years ago, I referred to as backwoods hillbilly. I have always laughed that I found B.F.E. ;) Now, I realize what an amazing gift I was given. We have a very laid back life. Not overly stressful, not full of the latest and greatest...but items of use, a life of intention and balance. The gift of knowing what family really is, knowing that all the hard work we do is for our family, knowing we grow and raise our food, and knowing that our little hayfield is a blessing that so many don't have a chance to experience.

I have times when I get so frustrated because life does not go as I plan. Which happens a lot. I get upset that I am judged for living the life I feel is right. I get criticized for believing differently than most, and being willing to speak out for others that are being treated badly. I am a daily coffee drinker, and still haven't been able to completely quit smoking. I have a strong distrust of most people, and am usually content with letting my husband deal with most things once we've had time to talk about them. Although he is usually the final decision maker, we discuss almost everything and make time eventually to discuss everything. We sometimes agree to disagree, and I don't always agree with the final decisions and sometimes they are changed...sometimes not. I have a passion for learning, although I am still considered outdated in most employment situations. I am not an expert on anything, but I do spend a lot of time researching.

The emotions I have felt this month are seriously all over the map. Happiness, contentment, anger, confusion, inadequate, mentally exhausted, overwhelmed, irritated, intuitive...seriously, all over! I'm going to blame the lunar eclipses and full moon! Maybe after the Super Moon passes the 25th, the emotional roller coaster will slow down a bit and will allow me to regain balance. I usually count on my garden time to re-balance and connect to my spiritual side, but this Spring has been cold and wet. It hasn't allowed much garden time yet.