It feels that my life has been about intuitive and generational growth. I have spent so much of my life, trying to please others or blend in with some crowd. I knew in my young years I was different from most, but couldn't ever pinpoint why. I couldn't just go with the crowd, or be part of any group for any period of time. I never really fit in, anywhere. I could get along with most, but I never let very many truly into my inner circle. Trust has always been difficult for me, even now. It's been about 10 years now, that I began getting glimpses of, well...I haven't really ever understood what it was. It was a "push" here or there to do something, be somewhere, or even as simple as just smiling at a stranger. That in itself, my husband can tell you, ends up leading to an hour long conversation in a grocery store isle, talking to a stranger, and hearing their entire life story. This happens ALL THE TIME! It was about 10 years ago, that I began learning that I get these gut feelings when something happens - both good and bad. Up to and until the past decade, I ignored a lot of these feelings. I didn't think too much about the randomness of strangers literally stopping me at a store to talk. I didn't think too much about any of the oddities that I would "feel." However, things changed and I began finding myself ill or not able to sleep or some random head ache...only to be given a "feeling/thought."
That leads me to the past week, and actually the past 4 years too. So, let's go back a little to bring in how this past week has fit a pattern. Four years ago, we had returned to our family farm from a 2 year sabbatical away. We had only been back for about 5 months, my husband was back to working locally, I was working, teaching 4th grade and Junior in high school, while trying to reestablish our farm/homestead. We thought the change away from our farm would be good for our family, and that didn't pan out. Anyway, I found myself so incredibly busy, so overwhelmed, and even a bit angry. That year, my step dad had a back surgery that ended in finding out that he could never work again and me spending 10 days away from my own family. My dad had heart surgery and that was another 5 day stent away from my family, I had a work event that was 4 days away from my family...but that event was when these "feelings" began to explode. So, in 2018 I ended up spending almost 3 full weeks away from my own family, and dealing/facing situations that completely removed me from a comfort zone. It required a lot of time to speculate, a lot of windshield time while I was driving all over, facing some pretty harsh criticism and questioning my place in the grand scheme of things. While I have spent years saying prayers regularly, I have spent the past 4 years praying even more. I never found it necessary to blend in or fit a certain category of people, I still don't! I did want to find MY place. I needed to find MY place and MY peace. While I struggled for the first couple of years, once we got back to our farm, I realized...I had found MY peace and MY place. Then, I just had to figure out how to make it all work.
I have learned so much over the 24 years I have spent with my husband. We've had plenty of ups and downs, and my own stubbornness has not helped...but here we are none-the-less. Now, I'm not going to let him off the hook either. You see, my stubbornness is only matched by his. Two stubborn, hardheaded people; will result in a lot of clashes!! Then you throw in major communication issues, and you have a recipe for major disruption. Now, you add in children(who are just carbon copies of us), stubborn animals, trying to work on a shoe string budget, multiple efforts to better ourselves failing and causing us more financial issues, and the issues beyond our control...and boy hardy, do you have one hell of an explosion waiting to happen. I took on the education of my children after bully issues the local school just would not fix. That was not in my plans. However, I'm glad we did it, and it helped when my daughter had the nearly fatal allergic reactions to vaccines and was basically allergic to everything except air. I was able to go back to school myself to learn holistic medicine to be able to care for her needs, while teaching my son, and being a full time mom. I learned to manage her allergic reactions, and care by managing the world around us to the utmost control. Gosh, was that tiresome, some days! I took a lot of grief about my parenting style, when most didn't understand or care to find out the reasoning behind it. All outsiders saw was healthy children, a frazzled mom, a cluttered/messy house, a dad that worked and provided. No one saw the helplessness I felt when I tried to do the right things, only to find out later they were not right for all...and I wasn't supposed to talk about it. No one saw the days I wouldn't sleep for fear of some reaction to something that was not allowed in our diets but was given anyway. No one felt the defeat of hearing that I should have a job, my kids should be in school, I shouldn't hover so much, I should/could whatever. No one saw the fear of letting my children go somewhere that I couldn't monitor what they were eating or drinking, to make sure we didn't have some sort of reaction. No one paid attention when I said please do not let them have these things. No one noticed that quit talking to most outside of my inner circle. You see, when you have children that have extreme allergies, you have to manage their lives differently. Which in turn, means that your life, is now fully dedicated to the best interest of those kids and what your needs are...really aren't as important.
Now that my kids are older, and they are more actively involved in their own care, I am in a weird position. I'm not an empty nester, as all my kids are still at home. They don't need me 100% of the time anymore. My work, for the majority of the last 2 years has been here on the farm. It's become my job, to manage everything and everyone. You see, my household is not all that different from most. No one sees the trash cans overflowing, no one sees the dirty dishes piling up, no one sees the soap rings in the showers, no one pays attention to dirt on the floor, unfolded blankets on the couch, shoes laying everywhere, or the other mountain of work that needs to be done...because, well, Mom will do. No one stops to think that Mom is home everyday, but talks to no one. Sure, I still teach, but that is different. To actually have a conversation, not having to try to get attention away from phones and computers, not having to try to talk over the noise box. We still sit down every night, as a family, for supper. For that I am eternally grateful. However, rarely do I talk or have conversations. I hear about the day from each of the boys, and my husband. We may talk about what needs to be done for preparation for winter, or what we need for feed....but that's it. That's all she wrote. Then, everyone heads off in their own direction. Most of the time, dishes aren't done until I get to them the next day. Supper eventually gets put up, but I refuse to do that, so it's up to the guys. For several months, I have just gotten where I go lay down in bed, watch a video or read a book. I can't have a conversation of the tv noise, and I refuse to battle for attention let alone doing so from a phone or tv. When you attempt to have a conversation and you either get a grunt or silence, it sends a message loud and clear. So, I don't even try.
Over the past 2 years, I have learned to deal with daily back pain that has never really went completely away. I just keep going anyway. I have reached the point of almost full on menopause - which let me tell you is super annoying! Each time I have found myself feeling ill or just not quite right, I end up getting this push of going within myself. I get kind of down, not really depressed but close. It's like the Universe is pushing me to take stock in what's going on around me, and within me. Last winter, was the worst winter I can ever remember. I had lost so much excitement for Christmas, the gatherings, and everything. I was ready to just move on. I could not wait for spring to get here. I worked hard to learn new growing ideas and tricks. I learned more about the true history of the U.S. and several other countries. I had big plans for this year. In the Spring, after some heated discussions, we had expanded my garden area twice, and worked up the area for my strawberries. I ordered a cheap little greenhouse to put on my deck so that I could not only get some things growing early, but I could also get my hands in some dirt. I spent more time focused on my critters. Spending time taming down chickens, goats and to a much lesser degree ducks...I don't know how they will ever be fully tamed! I found that I needed something, something that I could focus on when I needed a release. What I found, was a strong desire to work with the soil, work with animals, and even though I haven't yet made the time or had the extra money - working on building things, and taking photos are still beloved past times. With the economic times of the past 2 years, I have put a lot of my own plans on hold to make sure that the things we needed, wasn't going to cut out every last penny we had. You see, a 6 month lay off, followed by slow times, followed by no projects and talk of another lay off, lead to a a changed employer, less money but still the same bills/expenses. So, I've made the sacrifice to make sure the necessities are covered...and my wants will wait. I have worked hard to make something grow in the crazy garden this year. I've put up a few things so far, but not near what I had hoped for. I still have a lot of canning and preserving to do. I have a large flower bed area yet to be worked up for next year, and another expansion or 2 for the garden too.
I have truly thought about MY place in this crazy world. I found a passion working with veterans in the outdoors. I'm beyond grateful for a group that has helped me pick up the pieces and be able to keep going with that. I found a passion in gardening and critters - while I have always enjoyed both, this year has shown me that they are so much more than a hobby. I want to actually start our farm program for bringing kids, adults, veterans to our farm and showing them how a farm works. I want to be able to actually teach gardening and food preservation...not just to my own kids. These kinds of self-reliance should not just disappear as our elders pass on. I want to get rid of this fog that has had my brain in fight or flight mode for 2 years. I need to find my happiness again. It's an incredible weight to bare when you can't speak your peace, and you swallow that to keep peace. I believe my place is breaking through traumas, my own and that of generations past. When you are constantly striving to avoid becoming/behaving in a way that has been shown to you, sure it's a strong force to constantly try harder, but it's also a nagging voice in your head if you don't achieve whatever you are aiming for....you are failing and back into mindset of trying to outdo whatever you were running from to start with. I hope that make sense.
At this point in my life, I think my own expectations have left me floundering. I had hopes of still having regular dates with my husband, even if it was just going to supper and back home. Conversations that I could have with him about everything under sun, and knowing he was hearing even what I wasn't saying. I was hoping that I would actually feel heard, seen and appreciated. I had hoped that my children would appreciate the things I have done to try to help them, without doing everything for them. I know many people tell me how great they are, and how helpful they are...and I am truly grateful that I have raised children of integrity. I had hopes that seeing me work as I have for years, would give them the drive, determination and knowledge to go beyond anything I have been able to accomplish. There are many days, I feel pretty invisible. Sometimes, even lonely. The thing for me, I have a couple of amazing ladies I talk to, and they are my "cheerleaders." They are the ones constantly reminding me that I'm not invisible, even if you have to break out the whistle... If you ladies are reading this, H & L, THANK YOU!!!! You're friendship, your encouragement, and your wisdom is more valuable to me than I could ever express!!! As for the rest, I keep going. I keep trying, and at one point, I may blow a gasket....but it's my frustration that I need to release. I won't make excuses for myself nor will I make them for anyone else. I believe you are either willing to pay attention to details, or you're not. No one can make you, you have to want to. Communication is the same way. You either want to make it better or you don't. Me personally, I'm a talker. I need to talk through things, and that means taking things apart piece by piece until it makes sense to me.
So, I guess with the past week of feeling crappy...I was meant to think about all of this. I was meant to take it apart until I found pieces that made sense. I go off my "feelings," on about everything. So, when the Universe knocks me down, feelings are the place for me to start. Now, if I could just get a handle on it all, and lose this brain fog I've had for over a year!!! I will end this here, although there is so much more I could write. I've had a decade now, of learning to take a step back. Learning to pay attention to intuition and these freak illness moments/headaches. When you start seeing patterns, you need to pay attention. There is something you are supposed to be seeing.
S.
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