Reality and Realization

 

The biggest disappointments become reality through expectation.

I have spent a lot of years writing in journals, blogging, and more recently turned to videos. I rarely have "expectations" of anyone actually reading/watching anything I have to say. Honestly, most people have the attention span of a squirrel, most times - myself included. I never expect anyone to agree with my thoughts 100%, realistically, that is rare. Sadly, there have been plenty that I only hear from when they want to disagree or argue. I have no desire to argue, I do my best to respect others...I just want the same in return. 

This morning, I have been gut punched with several realities and realizations. Honestly, some weren't that big of a surprise but some were. So, I thought I'd share a few thoughts. In just the past few months, I have outwardly questioned how I was a "problem child." The things I look at, as a parent, are things I look back and know were not bad. However, looking back...I questioned authority, even as a child. I bucked the "because I said so" theory, a lot. I'm not going to dwell on the past though. Being a person that has always questioned everything, was a realization just this morning. My need to research continually, my need to learn continually, and my desire to educate; I believe have all culminated from the type of person I am. It does not make me right, it is just who I am. I need to know the "why's," of everything. I need to visually SEE the purposes. This comes into play in my life, on every subject. Show me why things are the way the are. I guess Missouri was a great state for me. SHOW ME!!! You can tell me things are the way they are, this is how it's always been done or we can't change something; and my response is typically going to be WHY?! Yes, this has caused me troubles. I believe this has a lot to do with my childhood. I saw from an early age that nothing is ever what it appears to be. I learned early on that the only person you could depend on 100%, was yourself. I also believe, this is why I have always been so hard on myself. I know for a fact, there is no one out there that can be harder on me, than me! I can promise that. 

Anyway, I have spent 4 years researching and learning so many things that most people don't even want to acknowledge. I have attempted to share all this learning with my family. I figured if I did the research, they should also benefit from knowing the information. It's difficult to share this information, share my videos, and explain this massive fraud going on; when even my own family doesn't want to hear it or doesn't pay attention. If I was a weaker person, it might end my own learning. Thankfully, I'm not! Thankfully, I had a couple of people that showed me that I could have this independence and confidence without needing validation from others. The hardest part of this education I have given myself, is the "aloneness," that comes with it. Most people don't want to hear anything that goes against their own beliefs, their perspective or their ability to comprehend. It ends up making you feel alone on an island. You find yourself unable to carry on surface conversations that have no depth. Talking about the weather, gossip or other people; do not hold any value. 

My reality has changed. My outlook has changed. With all these changes, has brought new perspective and insight.While my own growth, has come changes I have zero control over. I have talked about this phase of my life, to some degree. I honestly spend more time biting my tongue than I ever have, until I can no longer hold back...then it's ALL going to come out, without a filter. I have reached a point, I'm actually going to say it's more like a cross road. It's juggling family, farm, relationship, extended family, issues I feel are important, things that are important to me, and putting a halt to people using me as a doormat or battering ram. I try to lead by example, even though I make plenty of mistakes. When I see or feel people pulling away from me, I'm not chasing them to keep them in my life. You want to go, go! You want to be mad, ok. I deal with enough negative energy on a daily basis, I am happy to let go of any that wants to leave. I am a strong person but I am tired. I've spent too much of my life in fight or flight mode, to keep that up. I just want peace now. While I spend my time working hard to become a better person, I have to let go of things that hold me back. I can't hang on to anchors that hold me back.

I am truly in contemplation mode today. It's amazing how eye opening and heart breaking conversations can be, but make sense in the same breath. So, I'm taking a deep breath, keeping busy and moving forward. It is what it is.