So, the past couple weeks has brought a shift that I can't explain or even give a time frame on. All I know is that finding the humor about my own life, not giving 2 cents of care to much, and reaching a new level of "I'm not putting up with your shit," has lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders. So, I'm going to attempt to give the comedic rendition of my current stage of life. I know many others my age that can and will appreciate this. I am no comedian, so bare with me. My humor is a bit twisted!
I have hit that lovely stage of "mid-life." You find that at this stage of life, your check engine light is a permanent fixture. Anything that can go wrong, make funky sounds, or be injured...just takes getting out of bed. It's also the stage where you realize that you don't like anyone! Everyone is a nutcase, is totally insane, the damned tv is annoying, the clothing is made for the 20 something prostitutes, the left shoe fits tighter than the right, you can no longer see without readers, you turn down the music to park, your husband thinks you've lost your ever loving mind, your kids are now certain you are crazy, you are talking to pets...and expecting them to respond, you have managed to find everything possible to try to manage hot flashes, you're certain winter will be a welcomed relief, and is this truly pre-menopause....you mean it gets worse?! Yeah, not only have we lost our minds, we like it here!!!
You all know I have been researching for years, doubting everything for decades, and there's like 10 of you that actually give a shit. Once you learn this stuff, you don't unlearn it because it makes people uneasy. You either quit talking around people or quit talking to people all together. Yeah well, this adds insult to injury. So, to the like 3 people still reading, thanks for at least pretending to know what I've talked about! At this point, sometime over the past month, I turned a corner. While there is still a little stress held over, I guess for good measure, but the weight is floating in the same place my thoughts seem to go for many....out of sight. I found this interesting new place of "I don't care!" It's kinda scary, and especially freeing. I've turned to laughing, sarcasm and especially a new love of the southern middle age women that I can seriously relate to. While my mouth tends to go from sailor, to young mom, to a 90 year old woman with not a care who she pisses off...I'd love to be the classy middle age southern woman that rip you to shreds with a single look! Bless their hearts!
Being a mom and wife, going through this pre-menopausal crap could be an episode of CSI mixed with Paula Dean, and the crazy cat lady down the road. Not only are we on hells front porch everyday for 10 years, we are woke up to night sweats that should require changing the sheets a 2 am from something not as fun as our college years, but we got bigger mood swings than our teenagers, and more rage than fat man wanting the last chocolate cake...IN THE WORLD! It's kinda funny to think about from this perspective. I bought into the: you have reached peri-menopause. You are going into your final stage of life. You are going to experience many bodily changes and your moods will be hard to manage. You will start having health issues as your body becomes a hormonal mess. So pleasant sounding, right? Not hardly! So, you're telling me, I'm going to become a bigger raging lunatic, that's not only sweaty all-the-time, but craving chocolate and angry at everything? That sounds fun. Have you MET my family....I'm predisposed to being crazy, dramatic and overacting...WITHOUT HELP from this hellish transition.
So, if you follow me on Facebook, you know I've shared a comedian that I can totally relate to...she's just a little older, and apparently I was meant to have born into a southern woman from the word go. Finally, I found someone that could put into words what I have been experiencing and make it funny, instead of making me want to shoot people! So, here's the rest of my current story:
I have 2 amazing kids, and 3 bonus kids. My 2 biological kids have been my world. I have dropped everything in life, to make sure I was there for them, make sure they never had to understand what it was like to not have a mom there for them. I wanted to give them a leg up in today's world full of single parent homes. Well, let me tell you. These amazing kids, have taken full advantage of this. They don't have a single clue what it's like to have to fend for themselves, ever. They get scared...go wake up Mom. They get a belly ache, call Mom. They need to vent, they call mom to vent ABOUT mom. Anyway, my oldest is getting married in less than 2 months. I made the decision, of course my husband knew about it..., that he could stay at home for as long as he wanted, he just needed to pay a little bit to help with the house payment, utilities and food. No free ride. The concept, was to allow our kids a leg up in an economy that has gotten tough for even those of us experienced enough to remember 2008, and the 90's. Allow him to save money to be able to buy a house instead of rent something he would never own. Attempt to be better than average in the parental department. Well, now he's getting married. He wanted to purchase our house, as our plan has always been to build a different house further back on our property. Well, this went from our plan in a few years, to now he has to buy the house now, because people told him that now he's getting married and has to have his own house. Yeah, this is the point as his mom, I question where his back bone went to keep his business to himself. Anywho, it is what it is. He's getting married to a beautiful girl from Italy. I love my kids, all of them. But they are kids, they have yet to be screwed by life, by hardships, and in all fairness...reality. I still have a teenager to raise, but I am expected to make my world revolve around everything but that teenager. So, for a month, I got seriously overwhelmed. I was crying nearly every night, couldn't manage to get through a day without seriously wanting to run away from my life - something I did not ever believe would happen. It was at my lowest moment that I was told something that was like a kick in the teeth. It was at that point, it hit me like a freight train....no matter what you do, what your intentions, there's always going to people that discount you and your concerns. So, why bother worrying yourself to death, it's time to let your kids start to get screwed by life and tough but avoidable lessons.
So, it was at that time I made a statement that felt foreign to me..."I've done what I could." Then came the rest of the story. I always laughed that I should have started saving money when my youngest was little because she's a mini me, 30 something years younger. I've spent 2 years dealing with the early teenage girl years of mood swings, anger, aggression and rage. Well, again...just me a few decades younger. This amazing young lady informed me, "Mom, I've got your back. You're not too crazy." I love this kid. Then her young humor informed me that crazy was a prerequisite for our family. She makes me laugh every single day. UNTIL it comes time for school work! Then it's like 2 wolverines in a burlap bag!! Sometimes, even experienced crazy doesn't win against young crazy!
I went out to my chicken pen the other day, typically one place I can go that people do not follow me. It's my sanctuary, like my gardens. I walk out, and all the animals run to gate, so happy to see me. They just want fresh water, food and some pets....not more space, less noise, mood lights, a bigger closet, more tractor parts, another hay mower, or sex(didn't most of y'all give up sex in college, to make love?). Thankfully, cause you imagine a chicken, duck or goat driving a tractor or trying to bale their own hay?! While I would laugh until I cried down my legs, but seriously...that would be a sight! Anyway, I got all the creatures fed, fresh water, gathered the eggs from every nook and cranny that they drop the danged eggs...and sat down. A couple of my young hens love to be petted. They walk up and I think it's going to be like every other day. I will pet them a little, they jump on my leg then jump down and walk away. OH NO, that day...they decided to be little velociraptors! One jumped up on my leg, the other took a hold of my finger twisting and pulling for all she was worth. I shot off the dirt like I was shot out of a cannon, and then proceed to scold those damned chickens. You know, as well as I do...THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND NOR CARE, WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!
For a decade, when I take off to the garden...everyone avoids me. They know if they go out there, they will be stuck pulling weeds. They also know, when I go to the garden, that is MY time. You don't talk to me, you do not tell me you need anything until I am done in the garden. That is my time to pray, to work in nature to balance my body, and some place that I am not hearing, "Mom, I need....." or "Honey, can you do...." Kind of like when I mow the yard. Unless the house is on fire or someone is dying, leave me alone! Well, the past couple of years, my dear husband has been coming to the garden more and more. Now, I love this man, mostly. Nah, I do love him...until he tries talking to me in garden, or trying to show me something on Facebook while I'm in the shower. Anyway, he comes out and helps pull weeds, asks a million questions about why I trim the tomatoes, or why I planted so much of this or not much of that. Then it goes on to should I pick this vegetable or let it grow. I ask him to run the tiller in the pathways between rows, it's time saving from having to constantly pull weeds. This year, he's like, "well, just hold the plants back so I can get closer or where are the rows?" My garden got a little wild with potato vines and weeds. Then he does something sweet like, "I think this is the best tomatoes you've ever grown," and you get that screwed up look on your face, like...did he really just say that? I'm not sure if that's a compliment that all the learning I have done is paying off, or if until this year, my tomatoes have sucked! Anyway....not that he ever reads anything I write....ANYWHERE, but thanks honey...I'm taking it as a compliment. The first 32 tomato plants weren't enough, so I grew another 30 from seeds, that weren't even ready to go into the garden until July. So, yeah, even though most of my tomato products are already canned up...I get to do it all again in 6 weeks...right after the wedding.
So, I have had some pretty blind sided revelations lately. I find myself in quite a spot. I am spending more time laughing at the stresses in my life, at the stage of my life that has made stronger women than me complete lunatics, and realizing the only way to have a clean and organized home....is to live alone. I have realized that while you try to save your kids some stresses, they apparently need to learn the hard way. That even though you bite your tongue and do not say even a fraction of what you think....man do those voices have some amazing ideas. So, for all of pre-menopausal women....embrace the crazy, laugh at all the changes our bodies are dealing with, and take on that totally freeing phrase of, "I don't care!" We have to laugh through all this craziness or we will need our own bedazzled "hug-me" jackets. We are not losing a damned thing. We are gaining our freedom, our grit and those in our lives....only the strong will survive!
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