2025 Disabled Veteran Hunt

 

Bowen Family's 7th annual Disabled Veteran Hunt 

 

With just over a week until kick off, here are some notes and schedules. 

 

For 2025, we have an Honorary Veteran to spotlight. Mr. Ray Morris. Ray and Connie Morris have been instrumental in all their help throughout the entire 7 years of this hunt. Ray served his country through the United States Army, and has served his community in Southeast Iowa for many years. We can never find enough words to describe Ray and Connie. They are just some of the best people you will ever meet.  

 

Thursday, Sept. 25th:  Meet & Greet Kick Off 

5 pm - God Bless USA, National Anthem, Veteran Introductions, Speakers

6 pm - Prayer followed by meal - pulled pork, hash brown casserole, green beans, cowboy beans, garden pasta salad, cole slaw, chocolate cake, M & M bars, soda, water, tea

7 pm - Veteran Gifts and Veteran Raffles follow up with Outlaw DJ, P.T. Woods

 

Friday, Sept. 26th:

7 am - Breakfast at farm - Cinnamon Rolls, Breakfast Burritos, Sausage Biscuits, coffee, milk, juice

Morning hunting option, sack lunch items available.

Noon - Lunch at farm - cold sandwiches, chili, chips, desserts, soda, water, tea

Afternoon hunts will be to blinds around 2, all hunters will be picked up at the end of shooting hours.

7 pm(EST.) - Evening meal - burgers, brats, baked beans, macaroni & cheese, pea salad, cole slaw, soda, water, tea

 

Saturday, Sept. 27th:

7 am - Breakfast at farm - This year being provided by Army Veteran Joni Mulvania - pancakes, omlets, coffee, juice, milk

Morning hunting option, sack lunch items available.

Noon - Lunch at farm - cold sandwiches, vegetable soup, chips, desserts, soda, water, tea

Afternoon hunts will be to blinds around 2, all hunters will be picked up at the end of shooting hours.

7 pm(EST.) - Evening meal - we will pull out all remaining foods to enjoy!

 

Sunday, Sept. 28th:

7 am - Breakfast at farm - Biscuits & gravy, milk, coffee, juice 

Morning hunting option, sack lunch items available.

Many veterans need to leave by noon. 

 

All schedules are subject to change, and are on individual wants/needs. You can hunt, or just hang out. 

 

Our Meet & Greet and is open to our sponsors and communities, as well as, state and federal elected officials. 

2025 Volunteers:

Richard, Salli and Chloe Bowen, Joey Bowen & Laura Pilla 

Janet Meek, Slate Sweat, Michelle Mize,  Jerry Bickford, Robert Wake, Barbie Winslow, Ben & Emily Shaw, Jill Watson

 

2025 Land Owners:

Andy Schlitz

Junior and Linda Bertram

Roland Meyer

Lee Schultz

Nick and Nancy Orphan

 

Some of the community support:

Wake Foundation

Riverview Financial

Crane Winery - Brian & Kirsten Taylor

Hill Phoenix

Quality Plus Feeds

Ray & Connie Morris

Lakewood RV Sales and Rentals

IMI Equipment

Kahoka Meat Processing

Rathbun Water District

Heather & Elizabeth Mitchell(and family)

Ben & Emily Shaw and Cathy

Kahoka Lumber Co.

Mark Adam

Stockport Elevator(div. of Roquette)

Van Buren County Hospital

Scotland County Memorial Hospital

Kahoka Trading Co.

Exchange Bank of N.E.Mo.

 And a special Thanks to everyone who bought raffle tickets!

Coffee Chat

 

Coffee Chat

 

I don't know about all of you, but 2025 has been a tough year...and we still have a few months to go.  There have been a lot of changes in my life and a lot of realizations. The few constants this year, have been working on changes around the farm, enjoying my time with veterans and returning a focus on my own boundaries. 

 

In just a few short weeks, we have the honor of welcoming 10 disabled veterans to our farm. While this is our biggest event in the 7 year history, the same work is put in. Making a 3-day event a great experience for every veteran, is the goal. It's humbling to visit with each veteran and to be reminded of how much our lives have benefited from their service to our country. It has also been humbling when they are grateful for events focused on them, the majority have not a single entitlement bone in their body. It's refreshing! As I said, this year we have 10 disabled veterans attending. They will be arriving from Iowa, Illinois, Louisiana, Tennessee and Texas. We have 8 that have attended before and 2 that will be attending for the first time, and sadly had 12 that we weren't able bring in this year. It has been an exciting year for this event, with several first time sponsors, and the feed back has been incredible. The few bumps we have encountered, have been overcome and have worked out great in the end. I am now in the final weeks of prep work, and ironing out last minute details. It's always a little stressful but the results always work out. 

 

A few changes around the farm, overall have been small...while we determine the exact direction we want to grow. A much smaller garden this year, with a new design, new species of plants...didn't work out well. The design is great, I love it, but the plants/seeds were awful. We had so much rain and humidity this year, we just didn't get much to grow. That's the risk you take though. We raised some pigs this year again, so I have pork in the freezer I can eat again. We had a few challenges with sheep and lambs this summer and the heat played a big part. I lost most of my ducks and chickens, to neighbors dogs and a fox. That was not a great thing. Now, my flocks are pretty small. Again, depending on our direction, will determine what my next plans will be. The fire pit area has been reallocated to become home to our new shed, while the firepit was removed and will be used in the driveway as it was when we first started out. The inside will see some more reorganization, as time allows. Sorting, pitching, organizing and purpose changes are the plan. It's a slower process when you sort through memories, and decide what no longer serves a purpose. 

 

As I step into the "ber" months, which was once my favorite time of year, I am more reluctant to get overly excited. I am putting all my focus on what I can do, what I have to do and what I want to do; and stepping away from everything that just drains me. I wish you all an incredible month with more blessings than lessons!!

 

Coffee Chat

 

Today's early morning thoughts.

 

My early morning thoughts began about 4 am. I have spent the past 7 years working hard to reach financial goals, so I could reach some other goals. These early morning thoughts actually woke me up, and have been nagging at me for several hours. While I am truly blessed with so much, there are material things I need and some that I want. I am not someone that requires much, especially materially. So, the thoughts of when is the right time to bite the bullet and make big moves/changes? I know this is an individual decision, but I can't help but wonder. I am not at an ideal situation, but I am also not willing to wait until I can't enjoy it. When is the timing ever really "the right time?" Making changes is terrifying to me, especially big changes. As someone who thinks constantly, I will always come up with a million "what-if's" to delay what I can, but even those scenarios aren't holding much ground anymore. I really try to have dozens of "back up plans" because I know life gets messy. 

 

That general thought this morning has really made my mind whirl. I have spent decades now trying to do what I believed to be the right thing. Then I look, and see the many of the results, only to end up asking, "why bother, I'm going to be the bad guy no matter what I do." Yet, here I am...still trying. Still fighting for everything and everyone I believe in. I'm not one to give up, but does a time come that you don't have to fight, like your life depends on it, for every step forward? When you don't have to get through every letter of the alphabet of plans, to have one finally work? When the prayers you pray, are finally answered? When you can see the fruits of your labor, your tears, your sweat and your effort? I told you, my mind works overtime, and these are only a fraction of the thoughts...just this morning.

 

I'm ticking off the to-do list for the veteran hunt, my deep cleaning/organizing list, the last couple of years of home school, and the semi-annual preparation list(winter/spring). None of which ever seems to get completed without several additions for tasks not completed when I have delegated them. Which is always a joy. I keep reminding myself that, that the only thing I can control completely or depend on is me.   With that, I know I will make everything possible work and I'm not afraid to work to get things done. It just gets a little tiring when I am constantly told to ask for help, yet when I do...it either doesn't show up, gets done half-assed, or it's forgotten about. I don't wait until last minute, when I can avoid it, because that stresses me out....and ticks me off. 

 

So, I will keep working through my lists, projects and plans. I just needed this outlet this morning. I keep on, keeping on. Even on days that are heavy.  

Simpler Times

 

 

 

 

Simpler Times

 

Some days, thoughts come to me, but it's in fragments. There will be a thought or two, and then my brain races off to something else. So, after my meditation time, I  write those thoughts that pop up, to visit later. This morning was more of an old memory that lead to me thinking about times, many years ago.

 

It was memories of times with my grandparents, and how so much has changed. Years ago, traveling wasn't something we did often. We would have special times of traveling to see my Dad's parents. Looking at the distance then and comparing now...it wasn't that far from where we lived to where they lived. It was then. So, we didn't see them as much as we saw my Mom's parents, who always lived pretty close. I loved my grandparents, and each set was unique but a lot the same. Dad's parents were the farm/country grandparents. Mom's were more town centered. However, I am the grand daughter of 2 very strong grandmothers. While I learned a lot from my Mom's Dad...and some from my Dad's Dad...my grandmother's ruled the roost. Those women took charge, what they said was the final word, and you didn't mess with their family. Period. I didn't get to spend near enough time with my Dad's Mom, but I find a lot of similarities, in my own life, to her. My Mom's Mom...we had a great relationship, even if we hit heads often. My Mom's Dad, taught me so much, but even in his quiet way, so did my Dad's Dad. 

 

Years ago, the break neck speed and disconnect that so many live by today, was not even a consideration. The shake of hands was your value. If you said something, shook hands, that was worth more than money. You valued people and used things...just the opposite of today's world. We didn't travel much, but the travel had real meaning. You didn't just go somewhere to say you had. Travel usually meant you would spend hours with family, you only got to see on special occasions; but the bonds were build and carried over through the years. For me, when we went to visit my Dad's parents, it was always a loud and lively time because there were so many aunts, uncles and cousins. I was the oldest grandchild on that side, and have aunts and uncles so close to my age, we could be siblings. Now, times have changed, and there have been so many additions and subtractions....  I'm not sure who's who anymore. Just another reminder that sometimes, progress isn't always good.

 

I was fortunate enough to get to know my grandparents, even into my young adult life. Sadly, I don't think there's ever enough time once you realize how precious the times with grandparents can be. I did learn some, and valued the time with them...even though I often wonder what they would think now. That is more of what they would tell me, if they could see how I have changed. I find myself seeing a lot of my Dad's Mom in so much that I do...from the gardening, to birds, collecting rocks/shells, and even my writing. I see a lot of both my Grandmother's in the strength I have. Both good and bad.

 

Some of the last conversations with my grandmother's, I have held close to my heart. I have several letters that one sent me, and just the talks I had with the other. If I could give young people so advice:  make time for your grandparents and your parents. They are all gone long before you are ready. Your parents do the best they can, with what they have, but they are constantly learning just like you are. Adulthood and raising children do not come with instructions, and sometimes...we just get it wrong, but our love for our kids is unconditional. 

 

I can remember being a teenager(a LONG time ago), thinking that "old" people just automatically know things and had their lives together. Those old people, at the time were probably 30' & 40's, and now being in my 50's....you never have "it" all together...we learn from our mistakes, but we continue to make them if we are stilling trying. If you aren't learning, then you have either quit paying attention or your ego is too big. No one is perfect and most still make mistakes. Failure is only a bad thing, if you don't learn something. 

 

It's so funny how a simple memory of riding in an old station wagon, going to see my "far away grandparents," hearing my grandmother laugh about not having coffee in her coffee cup, looking at a shelf above my fridge and seeing the cookie jar in the shape of a cow....or a $20 bill that would be borrowed and returned every few weeks while I got settled into my job, enjoying coffee and toast while solving the worlds problems, and missing those conversations and hugs; can make you think. 

 

 

My heart is heavy today

 

 

 

There are days when some things just weigh heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of those days, I will write out my thoughts in a journal or even in an unpublished blog. They end up being a means to relieve thoughts without over sharing personal information. If I have learned anything in life, 99% of anyone you share information with, either doesn't know how to deal with it or they don't care. Either way, it can be heart breaking but it's true. With any good relationship, it should come with trust, loyalty, honesty and the freedom to share real life with, without having to worry about becoming another gossip topic. I'm not great at keeping my mouth in check...I tend to say what I think, and that usually does not end well. 

 

When it comes to relationships - spouse, children, friendships...being brutily honest usually lands me in hot water. I have never lied to my children - good or bad depends on the day. Even when it may not be what they want to hear, when it points out my inadequacies, or makes me the "bad guy." I have always tried to teach them that sometimes, we are the problem. While we may be an issue, we don't have to live in that stigma because we can make changes - even if that means removing ourselves from whatever the situation may be. I have always tried to teach them that even though I am the adult, I don't always have all the answers because I, too, am still learning as I go. Some lessons are extremely hard, but giving up is never an option. I tried to teach them the importance of family. Growing up in a divided home with divided loyalties; I did not want that for my kids. I wanted them to know they could come to us with everything. Obviously, I am only speaking for myself. I wanted them to know I would give them the best advice I knew, and that my love for them was unconditional. No matter what career they chose, no matter how hurt they may have made me, no matter what...they would always have me. I will never feel like I made a mistake in putting my children above everything else. I thought I extended that unconditional love to my bonus kids also. 

 

When it comes to every other relationship, my loyalty, honesty and respect; is there until it's proven it is only one sided. I give several chances, but I can only give so much before the repeat patterns can't be over looked. Unfortunately, after several patterns...even from separate people appear, I withdraw. I like having people in my life, in my inner circle, that I can trust. I don't let many in my inner circle, so when I feel a shift in their behavior, I will walk away - even if it hurts. I won't beg people to stay in my life. I don't need a large group of friends to know my value. You can only take being used for so long, then I will leave you to those you choose. 

 

Today, my heart and mind are heavy. I have felt like I have been juggling the world for so long. The people and tasks that are important to me, have felt like a constant battle zone. Since I prefer going to the source of an issue, and fixing the issue; not having any or all the fixes, has been a struggle. We can not fix anyone or anything else, that is not ours to fix. I am a fixer! That alone is a huge pitfall for me, especially when things are out of my control. I know I can't dwell on things out of my control, but when it involves me...I sure try to. I hate being made to look like a fool. Whether that comes from trusting when I know I shouldn't, giving the benefit of doubt, having to hear - yet again that I am constantly less than someone else, that I gave too many chances, or that I shouldn't have trusted. I have always told those closest to me, if I tell you I trust you; that is more powerful to me than a million "I love you's." 

 

It's been a massive challenge juggling this current phase of my life. One that I am sadly not managing well. I learned to mostly temper my mood swings and even manage the attitude. Even if my household doesn't believe this, they do not understand how much I have kept to myself. They have only gotten a fraction of the overall moods. Maybe I got too good at controlling myself. I spend a lot of time quiet, and no longer arguing over everything; now, I spend a lot more time observing. I will speak of tasks that need done, and see how long it takes to get done...of if I end up having to do it myself. Each thing that is ignored is one more strike. Each time I comment about an issue or something I want done, have to repeat myself over some noise device or get ignored all together, is one more strike. Communication is a big issue for me. When you have several people, all with their own "lists" and tasks, and everyone waits until the last possible second to say anything - then they get all bent out of shape when it doesn't go as planned...this could be prevented. It reverts to this: "lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." 

 

As I venture out today, my mind is pretty cluttered again. I am focusing on my responsibilities today, and hoping that I can make the best use of my time...and accomplishing my goal on this task. I pray everyone has a blessed day, and that you look at those closest to you and treat them with the trust, loyalty and respect they deserve. All relationships require actions, not just words.  

Coffee and Conversation

 

Just 2 days left of July. I know I am constantly asking, "where has the month and year gone?" Some days seem to drag on for weeks, while I seem to miss others, all together. The heat has been oppressive and my body is just not working with me, to be outdoors much in it. While I have shared a lot of deeper thoughts this month, I have really been working on me. I will tell you, I love who I am becoming, even though I work diligently to be better each day. Honestly, sometimes I am a problem but sometimes, I am just not willing to be a door mat anymore and that creates issue too.

 

It's amazing to me, how anyone would not want to become a better version of themselves. I know. I think differently. Maybe because of that, I don't allow myself to become less. I am always striving for more...more understanding, more patience, more peace, and/or just be a better human. I get wrapped up in issues, in moments and even some areas of concern in my own life...but I am always learning. I want to learn. I want to challenge myself to overcome my own barriers. I won't limit myself to the opinions of others, and to my own stress - many times, I do my best to try to understand even those who have hurt me. I've been the person that has carried so much guilt when I have made choices that were not easy to make. The choices that meant choosing myself or my family first. 

 

One of the lessons I am still learning, is a double edged sword. I'm told I should accept success of raising kids that are young adults and are good and productive people. I am proud of them for that. However, I wasn't prepared for the feeling of loss, grief, or complete removal from their lives. While we are not perfect, our home - at least I attempted to make it this way, was a safe zone. Anything that was said here, stayed here. You could have and share your opinion, even if was different from ours, and even if there was contentious debate. We never expected our kids to agree with us, just because we were the parents. As Mom, I was the mediator a lot. I may not agree with an opinion, but I was going to do my best, to try to get my husband to understand the kids opinions. I took on the roles I was needed to take on, for my kids. Whether it was teaching after the public school debacle, learning holistic/natural medicine after a severe allergic reaction nearly killed my youngest, fielding all the negative insults from managing our unconventional lives, choosing to put my life and career on hold to make my kids my #1 priority, learning to manage a shoe string single budget, battling my own health issues alone, putting my own needs on hold, and even putting my marriage behind everything else. Once your kids are grown, they move out and begin their lives; I had found myself asking, "now what?" It might be different if they didn't become fully removed but I am no longer responsible for that. I wanted to maintain weekly meals, so I didn't lose the bond. That hasn't happened. So, instead I rarely see them, talk to them or know how they are doing. So, maybe being a stay-at-home mom wasn't the choice. Maybe making sure my kids had my full attention, never had to question if their mom would be there, never had to struggle or want for just the basics; wasn't as "right" as I once believed. Maybe shielding them from so many trials, so many poor influences was not the answer I thought it would be. Even with all that said, I would not change most of it! I have loved being with my kids. Even the rough days, the heart breaks, the battle of wills; does not hold a candle to all the times they would curl up next me, seek me out to just talk, hug me and tell me they love me, or being there for every milestone in their lives. I will never be a perfect Mom, but I will always be their Mom, who loves them unconditionally!! Beyond Infinity!!! 

 

When you are working on yourself, you have to admit to your own imperfections. I am full of them! I have dealt with some milestones of my own. Some of the biggest: having my kids, facing cancer at 26 years old, losing family members and friends that meant the world to me, learning the life I now live, demanding stability, facing past demons, and even now, with the milestone of maturity. I have not always handled any of it with grace. It's been messy, conflicted, and filled with a lot of doubts. Second guessing was a constant companion for years. Somewhere along the way, a quiet acceptance has begun moving in. The only control I have, is for my own self, my own reactions, and my own choices. While life may have been a little easier had I been like everyone else, that is not who I am. I have never been afraid to face a challenge head-on, to fix problems rather than let them weigh me down, and to go through whatever needed to be gone through...even it meant taking on the world alone. For several years, I have gotten bogged down and struggled to find my solid ground. It's strange to say, by having to walk through so much of it alone; I would not have survived it, if I was not such a strong person.  The past few weeks, I'm finding more of my solid ground. The acceptance of not being like everyone else and being content to walk in my own skin; has taken hold. While I am not like everyone else, I am so much more than many will ever see or know. My circle is small, more like a dot, there are very few that see the whole picture...not because I keep people out but because they choose their place. When people choose to walk away, I leave them to their choices. I can not force anyone to be part of my life, and I won't even try. I have high standards of myself, and I expect it from others. There is no sense in battling to be part of someone/something else when it's not returned. 

 

One lesson I was taught many years ago, was to respect myself. This lesson has stuck with me. There is a huge difference between respecting yourself and thinking you are better than others...that is arrogance. This brings about another lesson, and I'm sure my Mom's Mom smiles at this....grammar. She always wanted to teach English, and man would she cringe today! Using the correct terminology, punctuation, and actually knowing the definitions of the words used. Even with the brain fog I've dealt with for several years, I try hard to make sure I am using correct terms, especially. I tend to rush through social media posts, because most of that is a bunch of garbage anymore...but I do attempt to at least spell words correctly and using the proper wording. I have real trouble with all the abbreviations out now. And getting texts or messages with them and/or no punctuation; looking like you threw all the Scrabble letters on the floor. I hate it. If I am not worth the 5 seconds it takes to type out a message, please wait until you have the time. Better yet, physical visits are much preferred! Everything has gotten so impersonal now, people don't know how interact. Between the noise boxes, video games, texts/messages, and social media...so many problems have occurred that could have been prevented. We don't actually talk anymore, and so many listen to respond but not to actually hear. 

 

As we come to a new month, it's the start of a new school year for us. It's also the last full month of getting all the veteran hunt details and fundraising finalized,  it's working through "must do" outdoor projects before the cold comes in, working in the garden, and getting my house organized again. I've found that by keeping myself super busy, it forces me to not deal with some of things I need to. So, I am working to clear out lists so I can continue to stay on solid ground. I have been so blessed with so much in my life. It's the blessings that need focus, not the trials. Trials, you work to fix, while building even more blessings. That's where I am now. 

Today's deep thoughts...

 

 

 

 

As it relates to so many things, I've said and heard this for years, "no one is coming to save you, you have to save yourself." Most people can't see beyond their own circumstances to be helpful, let alone save anyone else. Why should they? Each of us have battles, that can feel insurmountable in our own lives.  It does not matter if those are health, financial or relationship related. While we can minimize our issues saying, "someone always has it worse or someone would be happy with what you have," and that is true; but what we face or battle feels massive, it threatens our coping abilities, and at the very least, is a disruption to our life. So, it goes back to, no one is going to save you, EXCEPT YOU! 

 

The last few years, the cost of so much has been huge. So many people have had tough decisions to make. Do they pay their bills, buy food, pay for medications, or what can they let slide. You couldn't even rob Peter to pay Paul...Paul was broke too. The cost of things was so much more than just the money though. It became a cost to health, relationships, and mindset. While some chose to just keep their heads down and do whatever what necessary, some took the thought of getting/staying prepared for whatever might come, and some withdrew from about everything and everyone. We've seen the older generations having to go back to work just to make ends meet. We've seen multiple generations going to extremes of living in debt to keep up a life style or the come back of multi-generational homes to help everyone involved. For me, it's been a mixed basket.

 

We live on a strict budget, and have for over 20 years. We have spent decades living a prepared life style. We have watched as once strong bonded relationships have been discarded. We have struggled with the greedy/self centered mindset. We have had our own battles. We are 2 very different people, and that leads to 2 very different perspectives. While I am a strong person; I lead from the shadow. I am the force constantly holding the middle ground, the one trying to give the perspective of others, always the referee, yet always the bad guy. I am the one that gives chances until there's nothing left to give. I am the one always trying to help others, to be the reminder we are not going to make the same choices or have the same heart, who works so hard to not become as cold as the world seems. Yep, I get hurt often, have my heart broken and struggle to understand sometimes. There have been a lot of years, when I am asked, why and how I don't just walk away. My answer is usually the same, "that's not who I am; my integrity won't let me quit." You see, your integrity is all about who you are...even with those who can do nothing for you, or those who abuse your personality. While I may not do what I once did for those that abused all I was willing to do...discarding them, walking away, or cutting them off...that takes me a lot to get to that point. I will never be a person that could wish ill, on anyone. 

 

I can't speak for anyone else, or tell what others may be thinking. I don't deal with rumors or gossip. I'm more of a "get from the horses mouth, or shut up," type of person. I don't get the need to tell other people's stories. I may share something in my home, about my thoughts, but it does not leave my home. If it does, then I have a limited source to go to, and knock out the B.S. I don't know the choices others face in their circumstances, anymore than others know the choices I face. If I don't share it, it's none of your business. Period. I have strong opinions, I do a LOT of research, but my life is mine. I've questioned, a lot lately, about having that proverbial inner circle. Mine is more like a dot. I have certain people I do go to about certain subjects, but no one gets full, unbridled me anymore. So, maybe in some regards I have hardened a bit. I'm comfortable in my self, even if there are times I wish I could vent, unfiltered. It is what it is. People listen to respond, not to actually hear, anyway. 

 

I have spent years sharing a lot of different information. Honestly, it's been more to try to help others to know, they may not be alone. Whether that has been natural/holistic healthcare, preserving/canning, farm life, history, politics, and even the dramatic years of peri and meno-pause. Generation X'ers have hit the phase of the pause, empty nest, and the years of wondering what now. While the Boomer generation was much larger, my generation is on a plane of its own. So, not only documenting this phase change for my daughter, but also having an outlet for the "what new hell will I face today," stage of life. I know I am not alone in this chaos, as I read social media posts from so many my age. I truly read those posts and pray for them to find an outlet too. My generation grew up before Google, mostly before technology in general. We were literally playing in the roads popping tar bubbles with sticks, we were outdoors from the moment we were up until the dark, we rode our bicycles miles every day, and we didn't have to be told "don't try this at home." Our parents worked, neighbors watched out for us, and if we screwed up....our parents wrath scared the hell out of us. We were raised to be tough. We were raised to know that every action had an equal and opposite reaction. We learned common sense, because not learning hurt and once you got hurt...you didn't run home because one of two things was going to happen...you were going to get your ass beat for being stupid, or you were told to stop being a sissy-go rub some dirt on it. And feelings...THAT makes me physically laugh! If your feelings were hurt, guess what....NO ONE CARED, and likely you would continue to be the butt of everyone else's jokes...for a LONG time! Boys grew up to be tough guys...that was not a bad thing. Many grew up knowing how to protect others. They earned respect...it was not just given. To this day, I don't give respect unless it's earned. Girls grew up tough too. Well, at least I did. You learned to tolerate pain, to stand up for yourself, throw a few punches if necessary(you better not start a fight, but you sure as hell better finish it), and having siblings...usually meant some type of WWE wrestling matches, for good measure. Those siblings could bicker and battle among themselves, but no one else better try to do the same, or you had all the siblings banded together. To a degree, that doesn't change over time. We just grew up different. 

 

Somewhere, so much has been lost. No matter how hard you try to rebuild the areas important to you, it's not always going to work. We can work so hard to heal generational traumas, heal from life circumstances, or heal relationships; it is a double sided coin. You can heal, you. Period. You can protect those you love, but only to a degree. You can even raise your kids with your values, and they can veer off the path.  I was very fortunate in high school to have a teacher that was more like a mentor to most that took his classes. Maybe I was just at the point of being able to actual hear and not just listen. Either way, he was always doling out advice:  dress for success - the way you dress, teaches others how to treat you, be mindful of the company you keep - not everyone has your best interest in mind - some are just trying to bring you down to their level so they are not alone, or sharing Zig Zigler's advice: "show me the 5 people you spend the most time with and I will tell you how successful(or not) they will be."  That teacher, taught me so much, but helped me to build myself into the type of person I wanted to be...not what anyone else thought I should be. So many of his lessons, I still live by today. Those lessons, were among others, that allowed me to become the strong, independent and to be able to lead without constant recognition. Huh, maybe I learned a little too well?! 

 

I am constantly telling people they need to find an outlet...whether that be stress relief or just to grow. My outlet has been writing. I write these blogs, I have hundreds of notebooks full of thoughts, I have "poems," and nature has always been healing for me. The energy of the world has felt pretty rough for several years, and even I have found myself in a battle of saying what I think/trying to keep peace/sugar coating for those I know can't handle much else/feeling alone. I pray everyday and have for years. When others push me away, I stay in my lane, and leave them to those they choose. I'm not one who is going to beg anyone for anything. I'm sure that's consider a major flaw. I have more respect for myself than that. 

 

That is one area that I neglected for a lot of years. Respecting myself. When you are in moment of motherhood, schooling, and just fighting to keep your kids and marriage intact; it happens. Then the kids are grown, and you are asking "what now?" I didn't keep up with the outside world; my focus was solely on raising good and productive young people. My degree is worthless, my skill set is obsolete. I'm 50 years old and really don't want to do the bar tending/waitress thing again. I can't justify thousands of dollars to go back to college.  I have about zero tolerance of the behavior patterns I see when I venture out in public. We didn't keep up with date nights, or dating each other. He worked to provide, I raised kids and took care of the house. Then we added the home schooling, and severe medical issues. So again, that left me wondering, what am I supposed to do now? It took a big move and many issues to return to being able to respect myself again. There are still obstacles, and questions, but I know and respect who I am again. That's a good start. We don't need all the answers to start making improvements. One thing I will remind everyone, improving yourself is an individual endevore....improving relationships - no matter the type, takes 2 working and growing together, or there is an equal and oppose reaction. 

 

So, anyway, there's some deep thoughts for today.  

My writings

 

Just thought I'd share some writings.

 

If I don't who will? 

 I put my heart into everything I do.

I give not for recognition, not for notoriety, but because I care.

When I tell you "I love you," you can be guaranteed I mean that 

    with every part of my heart. It's never said to just be said.

I help with everything I possibly can.

    Even if I am exhausted, sick or feel like my own life is a mess.

    I help because I know how it feels to have none.

I pay attention to details, because it's those little things that mean the world to me,

     and I rarely ever seem them returned to me.

Honestly, if I don't  who will?

I work hard to manage my own overwhelm and negativity;

    only to be ambushed by that of others.

No matter how much something or someone means to me,

    I face a great deal of negative input. I manage that too, as well as I can.

If I don't, who will?

 

Who will keep up with birthdays, anniversaries, likes or dislikes?

Who will remember your conversation;

    your favorite flower, color or number?

Who will hear the chaos and need to talk, in your off-the-cuff, "I'm ok, or I'm fine?"

Who will listen and share experiences 

    when life seems a little overwhelming?

Who will get the coffee pot going, and make time 

    to talk, cry, laugh or reminisce? 

Who will be there when you don't know what to say,

    or even what's wrong - just to work through it?

Who will be there with no expectations and no judgement?

 

If I don't, who will?

 

Because that's who I am.

 I love with my whole heart, until I can't.

I go above and beyond for people, even when it's not returned.

I give so many chances and the benefit of doubt.

Because that's who I am.

Even when situations and circumstance show me, time and time again, that's who you are.

When no one knows, remembers or cares about the details I find so important, that's who you are.

When you can't hear the desperation in a voice needing a release, that's who you are.

When you can't imagine or understand why I do what I do,

That's who you are; But that's not who I am.

 

Your Tribe 

Who is in my tribe? 

Who can you call anytime of the day, or night when you just feel you can't go

    another day day without getting something off your chest? 

Who can you tell everything to without having to watch your

    your words, tone, or omit parts that will become judged?

Who can you call on to lift your spirit, remind you of your value, and still be honest with you?

Who's there when life is so crazy, 

    and you need to talk through something for 49th time because it still feels unresolved?

Who can you share recipes, heart breaks, experiences and the smallest details with;

    yet they know because you're sharing, you care as much as they do?

Who's there to celebrate your achievements, without throwing in a hefty dose of negativity?

 

When the world feels heavy 

There are days the world feels so heavy for some,

    this can be individual days or many strung together.

The collective of humanity has become very selfish and lacks in common decency and courtesies. 

Too many have neglected the Golden Rule and live in the era of instant gratification. 

Sadly, people get used and items are cherished.

This is difficult for those who have not become hardened by the world and circumstance. 

On those days you can't find heart, 

    you can't find peace,

    and everything feels wrong;

that's when you pray, even if you don't know what to say. Ask God to hear your heart.

Then, find something to keep your hands busy, and let God handle you are struggling with.

 

When the world feels heavy,

pray up and keep your hands busy.  

 

 

...to work through thoughts today

 

 

 

 

Today my mind is cluttered to the max. I'm struggling to get motivated, stay focused and there is just a heavy feeling today that I can't seem to shake. I really don't like days like these. It's really difficult to explain. There is nothing wrong, I'm not upset, but my thoughts are literally darting from one to the next, in the flip of a switch. Even with my never ending to-do lists, I can usually get several things accomplished in a day. None of it very exciting, but things do get done. So far today...I've drank my coffee, cried at a video, had 50 different thoughts try to take up residency only to scatter off again when I try to focus on one at a time. I'm not even certain where this blog will go...

 

I'd say it's another coffee and conversation, but not really, because the coffee is gone and I feel like the conversation will become a giant talk in a circle, with no real direction or solutions. The intensity in my brain today, is something else. I'm sure it seems crazy to be so over-stimulated, but it definitely feels that way. A couple of very simple conversations this morning has even led to near melt down for me. Maybe typing out a few lines for each thought as they come, will lead to some solid ground. Let's hope!

 

Questioning how you find like minded people in a world full of people stuck on a treadmill of chaos, has left me bewildered. Most of us that are like minded, stay in our little worlds and avoid the chaos. There in lies a big problem in trying to network. So many seem happy to live with the "instant gratification era," that they rarely slow down. While I know the benefits of technology, I do believe the constant inundation in it, has led to lack of human decency and common courtesies. 

 

We speak often about family. I also know, my husband and I grew up in a time that divorce was more common than not. This really opened a door for the destruction of family units. Families began splitting, becoming more separate, and divided. Divorces were ugly. At least most that I knew of. The adults truly hated each other and that resulted in the kids having to divide loyalties, many kids learning to play the adults to their advantage because the adults were too wrapped up in their own circus to do what was best for the kids. When you have a divided family, you then bring step parents, and that opens a whole other host of challenges...for the adults and children alike. There is so much time divided between households, siblings, and extended families that, as an adult of that...it was easier to break away from it all for me. I vowed I would never put my own kids in the position that I had, no matter what the situation was. It took me years to piece together my own thoughts, emotions, feelings and pieces of truth from growing up in a divided family. There are times, even at 50, that a memory pops up and it's like a light bulb goes off...oh yeah, whatever is happening in the moment, makes sense now. I have to say, so many parents now that do divorce, they are putting aside their own difference to co-parent and have a united front for the kids sake. I congratulate them. 

 

The world today seems like a snow globe to me. It's all shook up, and you can't tell what's real anymore, and what's a big ole lie. I all but quit watching television in 2012. When you can do your own research on the stories they tell and find the truth in seconds...why listen to the half truths and outright lies of the media? There is so much being accepted that is morally and ethically wrong, yet it's being celebrated by the biggest mouths. Politics is nothing more than 2 wings of the same bird. It's just a matter of whose lies you like better. Neither party works for us, as the Constitution states they are required to, and no one is holding any of them accountable. I keep hearing oh well, we'll vote the next election for the lesser of the evils. Do you even hear yourselves?! Those elected, WORK FOR US! Period! Sadly, the past 5+ decades, they have done less and less to even hide their hatred of the American citizens. To listen to them talk about the dumb American's and yet people still vote for these losers? Why??? Education in our country has been dumbed down for so many decades, you can't even have a civil conversation about laws, government, or your own beliefs before someone is claiming you are some evil or anti-something. How about this; I am FOR: American citizens first, abiding by the Constitution, teaching our children the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, how government is meant to operate, teaching them to live off the land and NOT the government, teaching them to work for what they want, to stay out of debt, and to have a healthy relationship with kids of their own to carry on the family values.  I am FOR the smallest government humanly possible, I am FOR keeping our collective noses out of other countries and keeping them out of our finances. I am FOR the government operating within a balanced budget or not earning a wage until they do. I am FOR term limits on Congress. I am FOR legal immigration, with a SINGLE loyalty...the USA or stay in your own country. 

 

I believe we have lost knowledge of basic wants and needs. Too many people find it necessary to have what others have. Then they end up, up to their eye balls in debt, they will never get out of. I would love a new and bigger house, but I have a beautiful and warm home now. My vehicles are old, but they are paid for. Our farm equipment is old, and occasionally needs repairs, but guess what...it's paid off. Yep, I still have a little debt, but each week I am closer to being free of the chains of debt slavery. We use our cell phones until they literally no longer work. Then we buy cheap replacements.We don't do vacations for several reasons, but the 2 big ones are that we live on an operating farm and I don't see a need to waste money traveling when we already live in an area that is a slice of Heaven. There are plenty of beautiful places, but I have zero desire to see the world. My world, where I live, where my kids and husband are...is the most precious place there is. 

 

I spent years talking about the "homesteading" life. The life I have learned. Talking about gardening, preserving foods, raising kids holistically, home schooling, and living on a single income. Long before it was a popular subject. I learned to cook, learned to make nearly everything from scratch, have spent years eating mostly what we grew or raised, buying very minimal from a store. Now, there are millions of videos and web sites devoted to this. More people are raising chickens than they have since the 50's. I spent years talking about constantly being prepared...food, medical needs, and fire power. None of this was trending or catchy, while I was learning. I was actually given so much static, for many years, about living an Amish lifestyle. The strange part now, is that so many that gave me grief, are now trying to understand what I spent 25 years talking about. Now, my preps are a lot less, because my household is much smaller. I don't have to stress over keeping a years food supply for 8-10 people. Now there are just 3. I no longer have to have such a strict diet to control allergies, likes and sensitivities for so many people. Even those still here, can all have the stuff I make and use. I no longer have toys, school projects or multiple baked goods ready to bake; most of that stuff is no longer valid. There's still schooling, but a lot is online, and the remaining is divided between between self learning and a handful of hours each week to actually teach. The gardens are a fraction of the size. The pantry no longer needs 2 rooms, just a single shelving unit. The toys no longer litter the floors, and there's no longer loud and boisterous dinner table conversations. There is a lot of quiet, and a lot of alone time with no conversations. 

 

I remember thinking that 50 was old. Now that I'm 50, I don't really feel old. I actually feel a bit lost. I'm to that empty nest stage. I still have one at home, but she is 16 and really is independent. I guess I should consider my time raising kids as a success, since both kids seem to be independent and capable young people. That success doesn't feel great at the moment. It feels pretty lonely. This kind of circles back to an earlier thought, how do you meet people that are like minded? Some days, I'd love to have someone to just drink coffee and visit with. The hard part is that I am not the same person I was even 5 years ago. A lot has changed, and my interests don't match with most people. 

 

 I am going to push myself for a while this afternoon and attempt to accomplish something. Even some menial tasks, just to try to stay out of my own head.

Coffee and Conversation

 

It's incredible to me that we are a third of the way through July already! It has been a tough few weeks and my entire attitude is teetering on the edge of a melt down. So, I'm going to write through these roller coaster of thoughts so I can hopefully keep moving forward as I have worked hard each day, to do. 

Let's start with the foundation of my thinking. The world, as much as myself and many others have tried to make it, is not just black and white. What I mean, is that there is more than one way to live, behave and exist. While I am a firm believer in being on Earth to help others when you can but do your best not to hurt...that, too, is a gray area. My view of right, wrong, and appropriate, may be completely different from that of someone who is doing their own thing and being productive in their own lives. I see this nearly everyday, in my own life but also in how people speak to each other. While you all know, I believe in researching and questioning everything! I practice what I preach. I also believe that people have forgotten how to use/communicate with proper language verbiage. I have gotten quite a laugh out of the "pronoun" phase. People can figure out pronouns, but not proper grammar, proper terminology, or how to communicate beyond slurs/slang. I've heard so much negativity about physical appearances, and while I do have my own opinion, I try not to judge based solely on that. I have met some of the best people that are covering in tattoos, piercings and wild colored hair...and some that appear to be proper...are the most hypocritical I have ever met. So, I work hard to not judge, but we are all guilty of this. Eventually, my opinion is based on merit/character and for that I am happy to keep a more open mind. After so many of decades of research, I find myself at that judgy spot on a lot. I attempt to use proper grammar, because the lack of it being used, really irritates me. I grew up with terms like retard, stupid, idiot, numbskull, and meathead. The weird thing to me, is that somewhere along the way, the term retard began being directed at the disabled. That was never a term for disabled in my world. I guess I am the weird one, because retard to me, always meant someone that had no disability but was really not smart. It's just like the word ignorant. The actual definition of ignorant, is not knowing. Again, it's a lack of knowledge that has led to so much hostility today, I believe. In a world with every opportunity to gather knowledge, information and facts...society has become less smart. 

Carrying forward from the last thought, technology has become a serious point of contention for me. I use it, and depend on it...BUT I hate it! I get so sick of hearing I'll text, message, email, etc. No, how about you call me, stop to visit with me, schedule a time to meet, or something of the sort. Technology is not dependable and it has proven time and time again, to be the cause of MANY misunderstandings! Humans were meant to interact. We have to experience body language, facial expressions, and tones. ALL of that is lost in technology. Even though I love my time away from groups of people, when I go too long, my own communication abilities take a hit. Thus we have keyboard warriors that have zero accountability. 

One of the hardest lessons I am personally facing, is the "empty nest" thing. We bring our children into the world, and they need us for everything for just a few years. We look forward to them reaching their independent milestones; walking, talking, having friends, etc. We slowly adjust to them spreading their wings a bit, and then BOOM! All of a sudden, they are gone. As I was reminded recently, we have to cheer for their independence because that means we have successfully raised these precious babies of ours. That is a success that doesn't feel as such, as I am adjusting to my "babies" being adults/young adults. I devoted my entire life to these babies for nearly 25 years, and now what?! My oldest is married, has his own home/farm, and life. I rarely see them anymore. I don't get to share in their successes or be there in their failures. He and I basically, grew up together. My youngest is a force, all on her own. Independent, fierce, opinionated, open minded to a fault, and beautiful beyond appearance. While not quite an "adult," it's so close I already am feeling the loss. Now, I keep asking, "what am I supposed to do now?" My hopes and dreams have already left; and I am not sure what or how to go forward. It's a daily struggle. I see so many former classmates/friends that have grown children, they are doing incredible things or spending time with their adult kids and/or grandkids. Many of them never gave up their careers, or their interests. I did. I dropped everything and everyone, to focus solely on my kids....that's what I thought was the right thing to do. I even put my relationship behind my kids. Now, trying to find a common ground, feels unreachable. It's a really big challenge that I am not navigating very well. 

The one interest that I have kept dear to my heart, is helping veterans. It took a giant leap of faith, and a 2 year move off our farm, to find this passion. Since then, it has been a very big part of my life. With a few road bumps along the way, I have had the honor of meeting hundreds of incredible veterans over the past 8 years. I have been blessed to hear so many of their stories along the way, and the hunt we host every year has been a highlight to each of the almost 7 years, so far. I've been welcomed into a local veteran group, so warmly, they feel like an extension of my own family. I put out a request at the last meeting to one of the Veteran Service Officers, to see if they could come across any updated training since I have done some work with veterans that manage PTSD. Just a few days later, I had an email with my first course. So, I am jumping into updating some training on PTSD/TBI, and caregiving through the VA. This year, we have 10 disabled veterans attending our hunt. Some of the veterans are returning and few are coming for the first time. I try to prepare for any issue that may come up. Not because I don't want them, but because I care about those that are coming and I want them to know they are going to be able to relax and enjoy their weekend...not stress. Sometimes, it just takes a willing ear and willing person to talk through the demons they are battling in silence. When I hear the statistics of veteran suicide and homelessness, it breaks my heart. As with so much of my life, I want to help. 

 

 Today, I just want to be a reminder. We don't know what all other people are dealing with, please just be kind. Sometimes those that seem to be angriest and most awful people, are the ones that need the best version of you. You may be the only one to be kind to them today.

Coffee and Conversation

 

Well, as I finish my coffee and work on the mountain of laundry, I thought I'd write. I have kind of been feeling like those hamsters on a wheel look....constantly chasing something, but never getting anywhere! For every project I finish, there are 47 more added or my hubby adds some of his, and now that there are pretty much just the two of us managing everything...his projects are now mine too. There are so many bumps in my road anymore, I'm never sure what needs to be addressed first. Each bump, feeds into the million other little bumps. 

One thing that has really played a big role in this hamster wheel, has been the changing of parental role. I spent so many years as "just a Mom." It has been the biggest, most rewarding but also the most heartbreaking career. We raise our kids to be independent, to build lives and relationships; but we don't expect they will exclude you. It's a challenging adjustment to no longer need a big dining room table, since there are just 3 of us now. We rarely have anymore than that. Now, I am looking to down size that. No point in a huge table anymore. You do everything possible for your kids, and in my case(as many others too), that included learning alternative health practices after severe allergies nearly killed my youngest. You welcome people into your life and your home, they become chosen family, only to disappear too. I've had to learn to accept that, as hard as it is, sometimes they need to see how the world truly is, but pray that someday they will actually appreciate all I tried to do for them. I'm not perfect, but my love for my kids will never waiver, it is unconditional. Even when my heart breaks! 

It's such a strange place to be. Being a Mom, was always so important to me, and that will never change. Once you get to the place I am in now, you end up feeling lost. It's like, "ok, I did the best I could raising my children, but I let my relationship with my hubby slip while being a Mom first and I completely lost or the knowledge I had is obsolete, and I have no idea who I am as a person anymore." I still have a young adult to finish raising, but I'm trying to find my way and keep up with my parents, and I still worry about my adult kids, and we still have our farm, my gardening has become my thinking time. I race from one project to another, still battle to keep my house clean even with fewer people, and getting back into the social thing...that is almost overwhelming since I have nothing in common with most. Economically, I am don't know how to not shoe string budget. Even though we don't need to be as conservative...I don't want to be stupid financially...it has taken us so many years to get where we are. I've thought about trying to find something part time to get back into the world...but I can't bring myself to work in retail or food again, there is too much drama and physically, I am not yet back to being fully healthy. Not to mention, still working around home school, my veteran activities, and our farm. Throwing one more thing in, feels like more stress! Of which, I need to lose some! I have begun updating training on PTSD and TBI management. This is an area that helps with the veterans I care so deeply about. 

It's so funny to come across memories, as I am deep cleaning and sorting. A list from high school of career options really had me thinking. The list was one I had done in a class, with a teacher I loved. It was based off of the education I was getting at the time, and possible directions I could take. The list included: Architect, Marine Biology, Constitutional law, and Ecology. Quite a list, huh?! It's hard to believe I thought I was smart enough to do those things. I truly loved every class regarding those subjects. I still love them today. I had about every class possible, that was offered, on each of them too. One area, that I have preached to my kids about - and they are not hearing me, is how much outside influence truly affects who you become. I can not say I have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason, BUT influences changed my trajectory in life and some damaged what I could have done. When we are young, we think we know everything about everything. I believe it's a right of passage into adulthood. As the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20." If you let others limit you, let others words/behaviors become your words/behaviors, or allow yourself to be drug into situations not meant for you; you become so much less than you are capable. Then you spend a lifetime searching for something, but nothing truly fits. You lose the value of your loved ones while maintaining the cost of that influence. I had BIG goals when I graduated high school. The last goal written down from back then: be a street dancer at Disney while attending college for Architecture - let the income pay for college. Specialize in residential architecture with what would now be considered living roofs, energy efficiency. I still physically draw residential floor plans all the time. I still love the living roofs, earth berm homes, using nature for energy efficiency and minimizing wasted square footage. Now at 50 years old, I don't believe I would have mental capacity to go back, so I just draw and add to my floor plan folder all the time. I don't have the energy or hundreds of thousands of dollars to even want to go back. 

Going through those memories were intriguing, funny, sad and empowering. I have experienced a lot in my life. I have dealt with the worst of them, basically alone. It taught me some hard lessons, gave me some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I have learned a lot of strength too. Being a strong person though, can bring a whole new level of issue too. When you are strong, no one worries about you and usually no one takes the time to try to get past the walls that were built. You become almost too independent, so asking or receiving helping brings guilt to deal with. You don't want to burden others, so you live in fight or flight mode continuously. Then you become exhausted, and it's not something that rest or even a "few days off" can fix. You end up in that hamster wheel constantly chasing the feeling of adequacy, feeling like you are doing something that is making a good difference, or living with feeling like you are never enough. Some of those memories brought me a smile, a laugh, or took me back to the moment a photo was taken. Several letters from my paternal grandmother, some were sharing valuable advice and one that made me sad. Several photos of a time when I felt my best, some while I traveled, so many photos of my grandparents and great grandparents, so many of my kids and husband when the kids were little, and even a few that were clipped out of a magazine/newspaper to add to my vision board. It's funny that my dream home from the late 90's was situated on a farm with a beautiful home, horses and livestock. 

There is so much I could add in this reflective post, but I think the biggest take away....don't regret, because you make choices, in the moment that you want to make, with the knowledge you have. You can change your outcome, but it takes choice and work. Take those pictures, make sure you are in a lot too, because one day...that's the memories your loved ones will have. None of us are perfect or flawless, so be kind, don't judge people by what you see...you don't know the whole story. Find a career that you love and can make income from. If you are lucky, you will spend decades enjoying that career. Don't waste valuable time with your parents and grandparents, they only get to be part of our lives for short period, and you will miss them terribly when they are gone!!! Work hard, but never get so wrapped up in making money that you forget actually live too. There are no material possessions that are worth having to work your life away for. Avoid spending so much that you can't afford time off to enjoy what you have. Be very careful of those you allow in your lives. The influence others have on your life, may seem small, until it isn't, and you've lost true friends/loved ones, while going with the masses. Always do your best to try to see both sides to a story, from experience, there are usually 3 or more sides to EVERY story. Don't allow the world, situations, people or circumstance to dictate how you live. Every single one of us has our own paths to follow. There will be some that walk with you for a lot of years, some just a few, and others just days. Every person we encounter is either meant to be a blessing or a lesson. 

Welcome July. I pray this month brings everyone good health, safety, and blessings of abundance. 

God Bless!

 

 

More than a feeling

 

 I'VE GOT A FEELING...

 

 

As someone who literally feels energy, all the time, it gets really dark sometimes. I know when I have tried to explain this to some, they look at you like you have a third eye growing out of your forehead. I've come to understand this energy, as I have gotten older, and is something I have experienced since I was child. Even then, people would claim you were weird or making stuff up. What I feel, is very real and very exhausting. The best way I can describe it: imagine you are a sponge, and you are constantly in water. You remain in a continuous state of over absorption. You know when you pick up a sopping wet sponge how it's heavy, and much weaker than a dry one? Yeah, that is what it's like when you feel the energy of others. It doesn't matter who it is, family, friends, or complete strangers. So, going anywhere requires preparation to deal with that. When you don't, you end up at home feeling like that wet sponge and completely exhausted. You literally feel peoples emotions and even their "vibe/aura." With a little education, you are able to see through facades, and past their outward expressions. You know who's full of crap, when you are being lied to, when someone is genuinely happy or real. It's been one of the hardest experiences I've had to learn to manage. 

I find peace and can maintain stability in my own space, so I do have gatherings here. My home and our farm is my grounding point. It has taken me a lot of years to understand and be able to manage this crazy experience. It can truly be a blessing and a curse. I have kind of laughed at the phrase, "I hear what your saying but I feel what you're not saying." I pay attention to details, big AND small. I make an effort until I no longer see the same return efforts. When you make my life more difficult, repeatedly, I am done. I juggle a lot everyday, and when you cause me more stress than the joy you add to my life, I am done. I have spent decades now managing my temper. For a few years, it got out-of-control. While I go a long way to avoid conflict and losing my temper, it's not gone...it's just under control - TO A POINT. It has taken a long time to acknowledge the difference between anger and hurt. Many times I've gotten angry, and when I step back...I can recognize that it isn't anger at all, but instead is actually hurt. You see, I have spent years working to better myself. Honestly, I work at this everyday. I am no where near perfect, so there is always work to do. I have had to accept things and even people, for who and what they are. The one big lesson I've gotten to this point...people are quick to point out your flaws, because they are avoiding their own. That was a hard one to learn. We all have had people in our lives that we wanted to be around, then they show out and prove their value in your life is a lot different than you thought it would be. 

Sometimes, I think life would be so much easier if I could live with my head in the sand, didn't experience the emotions, and could just keep so busy that I could look past my own stuff to have the energy to criticize others. Then I am reminded that I would then be like everyone else. I am not meant to be like everyone else, none of us are. We are meant to be individuals, critical think, pay attention to details and if believe in the religious teachings...we are meant to help others, not tear them down. I will never claim to know crap about religion, because I believe we are not being taught right. However, as I have dove off into spirituality, I have had doors open into the teachings of ancient times. Long before ALL organized religions. This subject always ruffles feathers, my own included, because every religion believes it's the correct teaching. Honestly, to each their own. I will never try to convince anyone otherwise, but I know what I know, and no one will convince me either. The biggest thing that upsets me though, is the hypocrisy. For those that have studied the Bible, it says that the Disciples were chosen but none of them were of proper societal norms. There was alcohol, incest, etc. Yet we see religion today turning its back on certain people in society. Don't get me wrong, I have an issue with some myself, but I live by "you be good to me and I will be good to you." The Bible preaches to honor thy mother & father, love thy neighbor and help those in need. Yet, divorce is now more common than a single family unit, certain groups of people are ostracized for their beliefs, neighbors are rarely helping to keep their communities strong, and people are quick to gossip but not willing to step up to help when it's needed. We have accepted the evil that programs our minds through the television; without even thinking twice. This is where politics and religion merge. 

Since the late 1800's, some of the riches and most influential people in the world have thrown a monkey wrench in everything.They decided to regulate the value of our money. They decided that controlling the money and the money supply, charging productive citizens for their efforts, centralizing that money/taxes into a non-governmental entity(central bank) that had no oversight or elected officials, and the bribery(lobbying)of politicians would be acceptable. What so many fail to understand, none of this was ever legally ratified by Congress, and those taxes that they claim are voluntary - are paid to that central bank that has used birth certificates, marriage licenses to create bonds that they bought and sold to make more money - OFF YOUR BACKS. That is the very elementary definition of slavery. They bought the education system, the healthcare system, and they buy the politicians to keep this slavery in place. The saddest part, to me, is we have all allowed this to happen by not educating ourselves, and demanding accountability.  We have allowed so many false idols(a religious teaching) to maintain their course. Just as God said, false idols will lead you astray. Even the teachings of Jesus, stated not to idolize him, but only his father. So, to be true to that teaching, idolizing Jesus is wrong. 

 

I won't dive off into major history lessons, because I've been told too many times, that no one wants to hear it. What I will dive into, briefly, is family. This is a major subject for me. Both my husband and I grew up in divorce households. I truly hate divorce. It divides the family unit, it opens it up to so many complications. I know just having to manage time between parents, struggling with loyalties, and adding additional beliefs to the mix; made for a very long and disruptive children. One I swore I would do everything possible to avoid, if/when I ever had children. So far, I've managed to keep a single household. It has not been without major trials, major arguments and a lot of eye rolls.  I have raised my children with the belief that family is everything, but there have been some serious disruptions that I blame on outside influences. One of the biggest lessons I have learned with kids - we can raise them correctly, with the values we have, but sometimes they will lose their way. It's at that point, we spend a lot of time praying that they will be guided back. They are inundated with so many opinions as adults, and the world today does not want strong family units. They want families divided, they want people so busy and so enthralled with the world that they have no time to look closer to home. They was society driven by greed, excess and instant gratifications. Sadly, it's all hidden in plain sight. Even more sad, people are so engrossed in the bread and circus, they can't even see it. We rush around going here and there, wanting the newest technology, living in debt, and thinking of ourselves first. We miss time with our families chasing the almighty dollar to buy more stuff we don't need. Too many use excuses to put their loved ones into homes, instead of taking care of them as they took care of you. Then there are tears at loss of those loved ones, by those having to live with the regrets. 

I will never be perfect, but I will stand by my values until my dying day. Family is everything, I will do my best to honor my father and mother, if I have any choice - my parents will never be in a nursing home, my kids will always take precedence over everything possible, and those I love - I will do my best to show I love you! There are times my personal development goes pretty deep and can be overwhelming, but I trust that God is leading me. I may refer to God or the Universe...I believe there is a higher power, no matter what word you use to describe it. I don't need a religion to know God, to know doing the best I can and help as much as possible, is the right path. I just keep praying for guidance, to be lifted when I struggle to stand, and to watch over/keep an arm around my family and I. 

Today's prayer: God, I know the balance on Earth is quite wobbly and there are questionable morals being broadcast. Today I ask that you help the world to see your honest teachings. I ask that you help to heal the family units, and bring them back to center. I ask that you wrap your arms around my family to help guide, protect and keep us healthy. Watch over our loved ones both living and passed, and help them to feel loved and guided. I pray you stay with them in whatever struggles they may be facing. I ask you to guide and protect those in our elected offices and our military, and be the strength of our veterans in their daily struggles. I pray you bring our communities back to center and help them to see they are stronger together. Today, I pray for your love to blanket Earth through eternity. Amen!

Coffee and Conversation

 

Holy cow, it's June already! Where did the first half of the year go?! Once again(more like still), I have a lot on my mind. It's so strange to actually feel changes within yourself, like there is a physical/tangible change. For many people, sitting within themselves would be very uncomfortable, if it actually happened to begin with. For me, this has been a 10 year process, and I promise it's not always been a comfortable one. I've reflected on my life, from my early years to present day, and sometimes my own B.S. irritates me too. I've had the joyful experience of different phases of life in this decade of reflection. I have had a lot to work through, because sometimes we ARE the problem....and we have to be able to accept that, and make changes when possible. While I have held myself accountable for my own behaviors, I've had to come to grips with some situations, that will either never be resolved, or things that happened that can not be changed. It's difficult to allow forgiveness without "closure," but it's necessary for growth. It's difficult to face some truths but it's even harder to live with a monkey on your back. 

It's been so crazy to me, having so many years of reflection, yet watching those around me be either oblivious or unconcerned by the state I have been in. The physical appearance is drastic, but my withdrawl has been huge. I had to have this experience, I suppose, as my own growth and maturity needed it. I would cheekily say, it's because I'm 50 now and I don't care what anyone thinks, but that is such a blanketed nasty and elementary general excuse. The truth is, I have been through hell and back, I have worked on myself even when everything around me felt like it was falling apart, I have cried in the shower or after everyone went to bed so I could release things I no longer talk about. I have felt the weight of aging parents, the betrayal of family, having my children grow and push me away, I have been fearful of trying to refind a "new normal" in marriage with grown children, having a new phase of my own body making me question every second of the day with my own thoughts, and wondering if I am good enough, smart enough, or even capable enough to do so many things - it was a vicious circle. Coming out the other side now, I am seeing a world of ignorance, stupidity and immaturity. I'm seeing that, as a parent, we can raise our children right but they are responsible for their own behaviors and actions, and the way they treat others. The influences they have in their lives will be their driving force. When your children become adults, you love them with all your heart unconditionally, but you pray harder for them every day! They are living in a world that has no depth and very little accountability. 

The past week, I've been seeing some clarity that I haven't seen for a long time. It's pretty wild. The hard part is now, coming back out of the dark. I've always heard, you can't succeed from your comfort zone, your success is waiting outside those boundaries. That comfort zone is a safe place to be, and it's comfortable when you can control your surroundings. When you challenge that comfort, it's terrifying. A decade is a long time to live within those self-limiting walls. Not to mention, life is a lot more costly now! When you have spent so much time trying to see both sides of every story and every issue...it's a challenge to cut that string. Having empathy is part of who I am, but I have let it rule my entire being for a lot of my adult life. I've had to accept that always trying to find the good in people(there is good in everyone, even if they don't show it), not everyone will be good. I have spent decades being referee, mediator, and tried to repair damaged ties; but I'm not doing that anymore. All that did was drain my spirit and hurt me. It's just not a game I am willing to play anymore. When you show me who you are by your actions, your words no longer matter. Proof is in the pudding. Step up, show up or get out of the doorway. 

Surprisingly enough, I had a photo come up in my Facebook memories. It was the last time, I can remember feeling such clarity and whole. Weird enough, it was during a trying part of our family's life, when it felt like life would never get "normal" again. It turns out, that was 2 years into my current phase of life and I felt alive, useful, growing and doing work that mattered. It's strange how life's path leads you in the directions you're meant to go. The people you are meant to cross paths with. Some days, I wish I could go back, not to change anything, but relive the moments. 

I'm still working hard on myself. I have a lot to fix, but there is so much that I love about who I am. I have survived a lot to be who I am, even with my flaws; I am a good person to those that are good to me.

Silent Battles

 

So, it's been a juggling act lately. So much so, that I am feeling like I am sinking. For each step I attempt to move forward, 14 things show up and just drag me under. I know, many times, my own expectations and values are what cause me grief. On the other hand, I keep wondering how many times I can be everyone's "go-to," and yet always be the one that gets crapped on. I wonder how and why I should keep trying, when others don't seem to care if I am there or not. Some that I have literally put my own life and needs on hold for, some that I went against not only my better thoughts, but against my husband's thoughts, and yet...here I am. I am struggling to keep my head above water. 

I have never asked for much. Don't lie to me, don't abuse my trust, don't disrespect me or what I need to do. I don't trust easily and once it's broke, I will never fully trust you again. How do manage this with those you love? Some days, it feels like they are the ones that can hurt you the worst. This is where my own expectations come in to play. I have spent, quite literally now, focused solely on my kids. 25 years where my entire life was devoted to raising, teaching, loving and providing everything I could for my kids. I worked through some pretty hefty generational blocks, only to have them resurface. I battled through some severe health issues by me, but also by my kids, and had to unlearn everything I was told to was right - it was all wrong, for my kids. Only to have people that were never in my situation or dealt with what I did, decide to interfere in everything I tried to teach my kids so they could succeed without falling into major issues. None of that matters in today's world. There is no respect given to those with experience. I spent years jumping on trains and driving to the area I was raised in, nearly every time I was needed, even if I didn't have the money. I made a way, even if I had to borrow it. Then I stopped. Again, I was the bad guy. I put distance between everything that hurt me. I didn't want to become a cold and calloused person; that is just not who I am. However, each time I have left a door cracked, someone comes through it and blows it off the hinges. Then, I am expected to be there, and when I'm not...out come the guilt trips about everything I am not. I know I have a lot of flaws, but my heart is a good one. It has loved so many, and rarely gotten that love in return. 

I have never been a high maintenance or materialistic person. I really don't need much, but the time/love/attention. I struggle through surface conversations. I love deep, intellectual conversations that require thought. I love conversations that not only make me think, but that are also thought provoking. I love nature. There is so much to learn, know and to share about that. I had to learn so much for my kids, and that opened my eyes to it over the past 25 years. I don't demand respect, although I feel it should be given, you can't expect low vibrational people to give it. I expect truth, from anyone that is going to be close to me, and if I tell you something; I expect you not to spread that conversation to everyone. I don't do it others, and I hope for the same courtesy. While I know that life gets hectic, and my own experience of having days turn into weeks, I have come to understand that priorities are shifting too. They have been for decades. People use others for all they can until they no longer need you. Then you are a burden to every thing they do. Honestly, some days, I feel like shutting the world out and turning off the feelings that end up causing me to hurt. I was once very apt at that, but I don't want to go back to that, if I can avoid it. 

As I said, I have spent 25 years with my kids, managing their health, their education, listening through heartbreaks and injuries, through lost friendships and anger outbursts. I have done everything possible to teach and guide them. Always making sure they had a voice, could think for themselves, and understood the importance of family. We opened our home to their friends, and treated those kids as if they were our own. Some have even become honorary(adopted) kids. As kids grow, you start to see things a little different. I once believed that a "good" parent instilled good values into their kids, that a child's behavior was based on the involvement of parents, and that a family unit would grow not divide. I tried to teach my kids to be leaders not followers, and to make educated decisions. Many of my thoughts on children's behaviors and actions have changed. While I do believe that parental involvement is a big part of a child's growth, I am more inclined now, to think that those influences your children have, outside of your home, are just as impactful. Many times, its those outside influences that upend everything you have taught, until they realize the damage and destruction that has been caused. However, as a parent, your love is unconditional and you end spending more time praying. 

I am beginning to understand the many paths of our ancestors. I remember hearing so many stories from my grandmothers about life as they were growing up. My family was not a rich group, in terms of money, but they had love, faith and each other to get through. It was considered abnormal for multiple generations to not live together. This was in part due to the cost/economy, but it was also due to the importance of the family unit. There were always people around to help each other and build their own communities with. This was before the scam of multiple households/mortgages/daycare/etc. This was before divorce was normal, before people had a need to travel the world, and long before the "instant access" generations. This was the values I tried to instill into my own kids. They had a lot of time with one grandmother, that believed as I did, once she passed, those values changed for them and their Dad. For me, it has just broken my heart to see the distance and teachings be thrown away. The chipping away of those values, throughout the decades, has culminated to the mess we live in today. I believe those old values were still better than any today. Sure they worked hard, struggled and lived in close quarters, but the love, loyalty and family unit was worth its weight in gold. 

Each day, I find myself in deep thought anymore. Grieving a few things, missing a few others, and praying that someday, sanity returns to our world. I'm hopeful that I can accept and grow from the challenges that I silently battle. I pray everyday for my family unit; my husband, my kids, my "adopted" kids, our extended families and dear friends. I worry about each, even though logic tells me I shouldn't because it's not reciprocated. That is just who I am. 

Today, I will pray, also, for everyone that is dealing with silent battles they don't talk about. The ones that weight heavy on their hearts, that they battle through PTSD and those that just don't know where to start. I pray that God guides you and raises you up to see how valuable you are; to yourself and others. I pray that you find strength to overcome all adversities, all obstacles and negativity. I pray you all find peace within your heart and compassion within your sole. I pray that everyone sees their blessings and their lessons. I pray that God will hear my prayer and the unspoken prayers. Amen.